Faith

It's Sunday and so I figure faith is a good topic for the day. First, an update. I have broken all of my previous records with 16 eggs retrieved on Friday. I don't know if other women are popping out 30-40 eggs a round, but 16 is a HUGE number for me. Of those 16, 11 fertilized, and of those 11, 6 are looking good and growing. 6 is also a huge number for me. In the past, the doctor has had to call me and say, "I'm sorry we were only able to get 4 somewhat good eggs and of those only 1 fertilized and is doing okay." So I'm really excited. I'll go in either on Monday or Wednesday for transfer. Who knows, I might even have a couple extra to freeze. I feeling really good about things right now.
Anyway, I've been thinking about faith and stuff and I have to say that dealing with infertility has been the hardest obstacle I've ever faced. And the most testing of my faith. Finding the right person to marry and spend the rest of my life with, financial stresses, health issues...I've had hard times in my life but I always felt like I could do something about it. Infertility doesn't hold back any punches though. Probably my biggest struggle was when my 16 year-old cousin dropped out of high school because she was pregnant, and I couldn't have a baby. I wondered if God didn't think I was responsible enough, good enough, worthy enough to have a baby, but then I thought of all of those teenagers having babies and those crazy people abandoning or hurting their babies, and I knew that you weren't given a baby based on whether or not you would be a good mother. So then I thought, "What then? Why can't I have a baby?" Was this punishment for something I did? Did God hate me? Didn't He hear my constant prayers? I really struggled with keeping my faith in God and not feeling bitter or angry. But there's this quote, I wish I could find the exact quote, but it was the words of a Holocaust survivor (which surviving the Holocaust is beyond comprehension). The survivor was asked how he kept his faith in God even when such horrible things were happening to him and all around him. He responded, "what was the alternative? I could lose my faith and face darkness alone with no God and no hope or I could keep believing that God would save me, no matter how hard it was to hold onto that faith." I've thought about that a lot. What are my alternatives? I can face this alone, desperate, bitter, resentful or I can have faith that God has a plan for me, that He loves me and cares about what I'm going through, and I can find hope, peace, and strength in Him. So, I'm sticking with the faith thing. I know that wherever this road takes me, God will be there for me. Sometimes I need reminders when I'm really struggling, but I do know it in my heart. And I don't know if I'll ever really understand why certain things happen to certain people, why teenagers can make babies in the back of cars on accident and why I need a team of doctors, nurses, drugs, a patient husband, and over 4 years so far, to make a baby. There's this poem that always comes to my mind that I heard when I was a teenager:

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me
I let Him choose the colors
He worketh steadily.
Ofttimes He worketh sorrow
and I, within my heart,
Forget He sees the pattern
While I see only part.
The dark threads were as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He had planned.
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

-Anonymous

Here are some other thoughts that I found that I really like:

With thoughtless and impatient hands

We tangle up the plans

The Lord has wrought.

And when we cry in pain He saith,

Be quiet, man, while I untie the knot.

-Anonymous

"Now, as you and I look at our lives... we sometimes do not understand that through which we are passing, but, being submisive, we can trust Him. The day will come, brothers and sisters, when the tapestry of your life will be unfolded, and you will see divine design all through it, and praise God for the experience and the tutoring which, in His goodness, He has given you."

-Neal A. Maxwell

Anyway, I thought these were nice thoughts. Infertility comes to battle with an entire artillery of weapons-despair, discouragement, heart break, fear, disappointment, anger, bitterness, etc. The only weapons I have are faith, hope, prayers, gratitude, and patience but they're enough to get me through the battles. One more thought. A long time ago my grandma took a pink frame, some bits of wallpaper and construction paper and made me this little plaque for Christmas. On it, it says:

When the answers to our prayers seem slow, God uses that time to help our faith grow.

Grandma passed away right after I got married, but she's still giving me good advice! Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts about faith and infertility. People always say not to stress over things that you can't control so like I've said before, I'm trying to learn to just be still and let God do the stressing. He's got the master plan, and I'm going to be okay.