I'm going to delete my other blog in an attempt to consolidate and get everything under control, but I don't want to lose the posts that I did. So this post is going to be really long, but will have all of my posts copied and pasted with the dates. I hope this makes sense!
The Journey-September 27, 2008My husband and I are filling out adoption papers. There, I said it. My heart is full of so many emotions that I don't even know where to start. I have another blog at
infertilemyrtlesblog.blogspot.com where I've been pouring out my emotions and thoughts about dealing with infertility. In November, my husband and I will have been trying to conceive for four years. In January we'll have been married for five years. But looking back over the years, I don't feel like the years we've spent trying to have a baby have been any harder or easier than that one year we had not worrying about it. And I definitely feel like the struggles of infertility have really drawn us closer. We are so different in so many ways, but this battle has given us a common cause to fight against together. Just a quick synopsis of our ttc battle so far: I have endometriosis, but didn't find that out until a couple of years ago. We tried on our own for a year, with fertility drugs for a year and a half, and have since done three rounds of IVF. I'm starting my fourth and probably final round of IVF in a couple of weeks. And now we've decided to also begin the adoption process.
I don't know why I don't want to write about these new developments in our journey towards parenthood on my other blog. But I do know that I need to write about things. I'm very comfortable in Infertile Myrtle's shoes, but for some reason, I feel like keeping my IVF and adoption separated for now. Like maybe they won't get along?
Well, here's how it all started. Lately, I've been thinking about adoption more and more. We had a possible adoption fall through a few months ago which was totally devastating but ever since then it has been like there have been adoption signs all over the place. We're at a concert and Rodney Atkins suddenly stops and gives a beautiful speech about his parents who adopted him and how thankful he is for them and how much encourages others to think about the great things they can do through adoption. A song about adoption comes on the radio. We meet some new friends and they introduce us to their beautiful, little girl that they've adopted, and she is just so beautiful. One of my student's parents are going through the adoption process to adopt another child. And suddenly it's like we're surrounded by adoption. So I'm thinking about it a lot. And I have this feeling that I need to talk to hubbie about it. So one day we're driving home from visiting my parents and I decide to bring it up (I was very hesitant because there have been times that topics such as adoption could cause heated discussions). But this time, hubbie says, "yeah, I think we should look into it. Just look." So we decided to pray and fast about it the next Sunday. So we prayed and fasted about adoption and that this next round of IVF would go well for us. And then we talked about it again. My husband has a cousin who adopted a child and then while she was going through the process of adoption for a second child, she did another round of IVF and ended up pregnant with twins. In the end, she ended up with four children all under the age of 3. We don't neccessarily want
that but we figured she's been on every side of all of this and would have a good perspective for us. So, I called her and we ended up going to her house and talking with her and her husband for hours. We didn't leave until just before midnight! She and her husband gave us a lot to think about. She talked about how hard the waiting period is and how overwhelming the adoption process is. She talked about how emotionally hard it was to meet the birth mothers and then take the baby from them. But she also talked about how beautiful it was. She said that every mother should experience adoption, because there is no other feeling like when they put that baby in your arms and you think of all that you went through for that moment. And she talked about how adoption blesses so many people-the birth mothers are just so grateful that someone is willing to raise and love their baby for them and the adopting couple is just so grateful that someone is willing to give the responsibility to love and raise this child to someone else. Anyway, one of the last things she said was that doing IVF and adoption at the same time was actually a blessing for her. They helped her not get too obsessed about one or the other. IVF helped distract her from the waiting anxieties of adoption and going through the adoption process helped distract her from the anxieties of IVF.
Well, after talking to her and talking with each other some more, we decided to do it. I've been thinking a lot about all of this. All of the alternatives. If this round of IVF doesn't work, then we'll still have the adoption process going. If this round of IVF does work, then I hope they will allow us to continue the adoption process. My biggest fear is that they wouldn't. Or what if I ended up with an adopted baby and one or two babies by birth? I know it would be extremely difficult. But I really think I could do it. I've been training to be a mommy all of my life, and I think I have enough love stored up for a hundred babies!! Women have multiple babies quite often and strong families. One of our friends who had twins from her first pregnancy said that she didn't see it as more difficult because she just didn't know any different.
There are so many other factors-money, getting the house ready, getting myself ready, getting our marriage ready, hubbie's in school right now getting his MBA...but the most important thing is that I want to do what Heavenly Father wants me to do. So far the biggest lesson I've learned is that everything is on God's timetable and that I just need to have patience and faith. However, I'm a really slow learner. I know I have faith in Heavenly Father. I know that He answers prayers and that He loves us. Faith in myself is where I fall short. I don't have a lot of faith in myself in recognizing His answers to my prayers. I think that this is the right direction, so I'll go forward but then sometimes I start getting doubts. It's been like this with every major decision I've made though...which college to go to, going on a mission, getting married...I've basically had the attitude that I think I'm going in the right direction, but if I'm not God will have to strike me down. And sometimes I don't know if the obstacles that I face are God's way of saying I'm going in the wrong direction or if they're just the obstacles that come with everything in life-you know, the best things come with a price or the 'God-gives-us-obstacles-to-make-us-stronger' thing. I know what I need to do though--I need to strengthen myself spiritually. Daily scripture reading and prayer. Slow things down in my life so I have more time to listen to what God is saying to me. Serve others. Open my heart to the Holy Ghost for guidance and follow that guidance. I have a feeling that I still have many hard times in front of me and that I need to get myself spiritually ready. So here we go! The journey continues...
I Have Been Struck Down-October 6, 2008In my last blog, I said that I have a God-needs-to-strike-me-down-if-I'm-going-in-the-wrong-direction attitude. Well, I find myself 'struck down' in a sense. I was planning on doing my last round of IVF this month. I was getting everything in order and then, suddenly, WHAM-O! I get pneumonia. I felt fine until last Saturday when I woke up with a cough. By Sunday, I was so sick I could hardly think straight. Suddenly plans change. I canceled my round of IVF with the doctor, canceled my drugs with the pharmacy, and now I'm drug-free (except for the two antibiotics running through my blood) and fancy free. The next available round of IVF will run into mid-January. I'll think about that when it gets closer.
As for other things, we've turned in our papers to the bishop to fill out. I have the other initial form ready to turn in tomorrow. I am going to walk into the adoption agency for the first time tomorrow. Wow! Wow! Wow! This is such a new world to me. I've been doing a lot of research about adoption, yet don't even know where to start with my questions. I'm excited and nervous all at once. I guess it's just one foot in front of the other and we'll see where this path will lead!
Baby Steps--October 11, 2008Baby steps...literally. We've taken our first baby steps toward adopting a baby. I turned in the first application papers this week. I found the adoption agency without too much hassle...that's a good sign! I'm starting to get really excited about things. (It helps that I'm starting to get over my pneumonia too!) Hubbie and I will go to an orientation meeting in the beginning of November. So, I guess we just chill until then. I'm starting to have baby dreams again which I think is a good sign. I used to have baby dreams all of the time, but I think my mind subconsciously stopped allowing those dreams because it was sometimes too painful to dream about having a baby and then wake up to a silent, baby-less life. The fact that I'm having baby dreams again maybe means that my mind is opening up to the possibility that something is going to work and that my dreams can become a reality someday soon. Re-reading that sentence that I just wrote makes me think I missed my calling in life--I should have been a psychologist or something like that, I think! A couple of nights ago I dreamt that we had this beautiful dark-haired baby. I think the baby was a girl. She was asleep in the other room, and my husband and I kept going in the room just to look at her. It was like we couldn't believe she was really ours. I hope my dream was a vision of things to come! But for now, baby steps...
My Fortune in a Cookie-October 30,2008My fortune cookie today said, "A miracle is on your horizon." Here's hoping. I could really use a miracle right now. Some unexpected and unavoidable expenses have come up recently, and now I'm not sure when we'll be able to do my next IVF cycle or if we'll be able to continue the adoption process right now. Money is just so tight, and I hate that making/getting a baby has become such an expensive experience. I hate that I feel like the miracle I want most in my life has dollar signs in front of it. But I guess I'll just have to keep giving what I do have-hope, faith, and endurance-and hope that that is enough in the end.
Dear Birth Mother...-November 8, 2008So, we have an orientation meeting this Friday, our next step in continuing this process. I'm really excited to be moving forward.
One of the things that I've heard you need to do is write a letter to prospective birth mothers looking to place their baby for adoption. And I've been thinking about just what I would say. So, I just thought I would do a rough draft here, throw out some of my thoughts and feelings, and start thinking about just what I want to say to the woman who will carry my baby for me for nine months, and then give that child to me.
First, how do you start. Dear birth mother? Dear Wonderful Woman? Dear Person?
Then what to say?
I think it takes a lot of courage and that it must be one of life's most difficult decisions to place your baby up for adoption. I can't imagine how hard that decision must be. So many factors-how your family feels about it, what your friends think, what's best for you, what's best for the baby, how the father feels about it, what your heart is telling you, what God's plan is for you, what the spirit is saying to you. And there are probably so many emotions-heartache, fear, shame, guilt, disappointment, hope, faith, love...In a nutshell, what is the right thing to do? And no one can make that decision except you. No pressure. I think you're courageous, and I wish I could just wrap my arms around you in a big hug and tell you that I have confidence in you and that I know with God's help, you'll know what to do and that everything is going to be okay for you. But I also have to be honest and say that I hope that the answer is to put your baby up for adoption. If not, that's okay, but I still hope. Because I can't have babies. My aunt once told me that I have a mommy's heart and that I'm a mom; I just don't have a baby yet. I know those emotions of heartache, fear, shame, guilt, disappointment, hope, faith, and love. And I know what it's like to spend so many hours praying and pleading with Heavenly Father. And right now, I'm just hoping that maybe we can be the answers to each others' prayers. I am learning more and more everyday that God truly does move in mysterious ways. How I think things should be done, isn't always how God does things, but I do know that the way God does things is always better than how I would have done them! I know that God has a family waiting for me, to be raised and loved in my home. I know that I will be a mommy someday, and I know that, while I will make mistakes, I will be pretty good at it. Everything I have done in my life, I've done in training to be a good mother. I'm a letter writer and a picture taker, I can keep you updated as little or as much as you would like. Just let me know.I feel like the little kid on the playground as teams are being chosen. I'm the one jumping up and down and shouting, "pick me! Please, pick me!" Is there anything that stands out about me? Anything that makes me worthy to raise your child? Not really. I'm just an ordinary (if not sometimes a little quirky) person who will love your child with all of my heart. And I'm just a girl who has faith that if this is the right thing for both of us and for the baby, God will direct our paths and touch our hearts, and we will know. I don't know you. I've never met you. I've probably never even passed you on the street. But I already feel such love and appreciation to you for reading this letter, for taking a minute to consider me as a possible adoptive mother of your child. I've added you and all of the other young mothers like you, to my prayers--you can never have too many prayers being said for you! How do you end a letter like this? Sincerely...With regards...Yours truly...Love...
Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts. It's very rough draft. I'll keep thinking and praying about it. For being a wordy person with a lot to say, I'm having a hard time finding the right words to say the unsay-able. How do you ask someone to give you her baby? How would I ever thank someone for giving me her baby?
Orientation-November 22, 2008Well, we went to the orientation meeting. Some friends who have been through this process warned us that it might be a little discouraging, but Hubs and I agreed that we actually felt really encouraged in what we're doing. It just feels right! One of the things that I really liked is when one of the other couples asked how long it usually takes for an adoption to take place, the adoption services lady responded that there are certain things (like the mounds of paper work) in the hands of the couple, certain things in the hands of the case workers and the adoption agency, certain things in the hands of the birth parents, but overall, it's all in the hands of Heavenly Father. That this is just another way for Heavenly Father to get babies to the families that they're supposed to be in. You can't really put a time-line on that.
So, I've begun all the paperwork. It's so good to have something to do right now. I'm not saying my life isn't crazy hectic busy, but in the trying-to-start-our-family part of my life, I was feeling like we were kind of at a stand still. It's good to be doing something, to have something that I have even just a little control over-even if it's just writing my name down on a piece of paper and addressing envelopes. And it's been nice to reflect on Hubs and myself-our relationship, how we met, how we've grown from the beginning, what we're doing to prepare ourselves to be parents. I've enjoyed reminiscing over our past and planning our future.
We also met with our case worker. She is an intern and is so nice. She is friendly and up front about things, and I think she's a great match for working with Hubs and I. So, onward we go!
Today this friend of Hubs and me showed me some pictures of a baby he and his wife are adopting from Ethiopia. He is such a beautiful baby. And somehow the fact that we're looking into adoption just came tumbling out of my mouth and then this other friend heard and asked me about it later. Hubs and I have been kind of trying to keep it on the down low-we want to surprise our family and friends with the good news and not make them go through all the hard times too AND we want to avoid all the well-meaning but annoying questions (Have you heard anything yet? How's the adoption going?). I haven't even mentioned anything to my parents. I think we kind of got this way after the first round of IVF. Our first round of IVF, we told everyone (well, I told everyone), and we had family fasts and prayers and I showed everyone the pictures of the two embryos that we implanted. And then it failed. Everyone was so supportive and loving and comforting. But it was so devastating in itself, and it was even harder to let everyone know that it didn't work. One, I hated confirming the failure over and over again, and two, I knew that it hurt their hearts too and that hurt me even more. So the next couple of rounds that we did, we didn't really tell anyone. Well, I told some people just because I am a social creature by nature and have to talk things out with someone other than Hubs sometimes. Hubs has always been very supportive and has been my strength in all of this, but sometimes a girl needs to pour her heart out to her girlfriends. And sometimes I just have to vent to whomever is around me in that moment. Anyway, not telling everyone made it a little easier when we got the bad news. Hubs and I would retreat for a day and cry together and then bolster each other to face the next day and then the next and then the next. And it was much easier to refer to the failures much after the fact: "Oh yeah, by the way, we did another round of IVF a couple of months ago and didn't work. Just thought you should know." And by then I was able to be strong for others and help them through the bad news. With this adoption journey, Hubs and I are kind of torn in when we want to break the news. We were saying the other day, wouldn't it be cool if no one really knew and we got a baby and told everyone to come over because we have some exciting news, and out I walk with-SURPRISE-our new baby...
But then we also realize the need for the love and support of our family during this process. So many times I've wanted to just tell my parents, "Hey, by the way, Hubs and I are trying to adopt." Because I would love to have my family on board with preparing for having a baby and what not. And those extra prayers and fasts never hurt...
Who knows? The jury's still out on this one.
Trudging-January 22, 2009So we're still trudging along through the process. There is so much paperwork! I thought I would have the paperwork done in a couple of days. I'm more realistic now. Questionnaires, background checks, more questionnaires, financial reports...I'm glad that this process is the way that it is for the safety and welfare of the children being adopted, but I just wish I could get through it more quickly! I have to say that some of the questionnaires that Hubs and I have filled out have turned out to be nice sentimental journeys for us. It's given us the opportunity to go down memory lane of our own childhoods, to look at our families and what we love about them, and to look at our own relationship. It's been nice analyzing our relationship-how we met, what made us fall in love with each other, what our strengths and weaknesses are. I'm really trying not to get so focused on the destination that I don't enjoy the journey. And so far, the scenery hasn't been too bad!
It's funny but when you're going into adoption, you start to pay attention to adoption related things much more closely. For example, there have been so many times that I've met someone or there are some people that I already know, that I wish would have placed their child for adoption. An eighteen-year old girl in our ward has a beautiful 5-month-old boy, and, while I'm happy for her, I still also wish she would consider adoption. Or there is this really cute 5-year-old little girl that is currently being raised by her grandparents, and I have dreams that Hubs and I have adopted her. Or, sadly, I'm a middle school teacher and know of a couple of girls who are pregnant. And it's funny how adoption just keeps coming up. When Hubs and I first started thinking about adoption, we were praying and fasting whether it was the road for us. Then it was like the Lord had adoption signs all over the place (like Road Work Ahead signs in Utah, they were everywhere!). Songs on the radio, our home teacher tells us that he's adopted and about his experiences, Hub's cousin starts talking to us about adoption (she's adopted two boys), TV shows, friends, and the best example-We're at a Brad Paisley concert and Rodney Atkins is opening for Paisley. Right in the middle of his concert, Rodney Atkins stops and talks about how his parents adopted him and of the great impact that that has had on his life and then he encourages anyone who might be considering adoption to do it because you could really change the life of someone.
We also have some friends that are leaving next week to go to Ethiopia to pick up their little baby boy that they're adopting. We went out to dinner with them last week, and it was neat to get to be a part of their excitement. They have pictures of the little boy, and he is absolutely adorable! It's crazy (and frustrating) because there are so many babies and children in the orphanages that need good homes, but it's so expensive and there is so much red tape to adopt from there. Our friends have had to wait over 6 months since they knew which little baby they were going to adopt. They were approved, but had to go through all of the legal procedures while 6 months of their baby's life went by. But their on their way within a few days and will very soon be meeting the newest member of their family. So exciting! I'm extremely happy for them!
Getting There-January 28, 2009We're getting there, slowly but surely. I just attended a panel tonight on foster care. It was really interesting. I often feel that that's a road Hubs and I are supposed to take someday. There were three different couples there tonight who spoke of the trials and challenges of foster care, but also the blessings and joy. One couple was very honest and said that you would get your heart broken. The state really tries to bring families together and to return children to their biological families as much as possible, so it is very possible that you could get really attached to a child and then have to let them go. They talked about how hard that is but how you heal. I also liked how they said that the best way to get through it all is to have faith that what is meant to happen will happen-whether it's returning a child to his/her family or having them become part of your family. I was really impressed with the couples. I think it would take a certain strength, patience, and love. I would really like to look into foster care someday, but as I drove home tonight, I had the feelings that foster care isn't quite the road to take now, but maybe someday. There is so much good that you can do for children through foster care, I hope to have that opportunity one day.
So we've got most of our paperwork done now. We've got a rough draft of our birthmother letter and some possible collages. Our online work is almost all the way completed. Today we had our home study with our case worker. I was so nervous for some reason. I think when I'm nervous I talk way too much, so I was babbling like crazy today. Our case worker is so sweet though. She answered our questions, looked over our paperwork with us, and took a tour of the house. In a situation like this, you start to notice every little imperfection about your home. It was crazy! Hubs says I'm just paranoid and that our house is just like every other house out there, but how could he miss the cobweb in the corner?! But, despite my anxieties, it seems to have all gone really well. Now we just need to attend an adoption class and wait for approval. I can't wait!
So here's something random, Hubs had the idea to go on the It's About Love website and type in our criteria to see what adoptive couples came up. So I did, and, as I was scrolling down the page, all of sudden there was this guy who was one of my good friends my first year of college (and on whom I had a secret crush for the longest time). It was so weird to see a familiar face. I almost wish I could contact him and his wife (who I've also met) and wish them luck or something. Or say, "Hey! I'm doing this too! How's it going for you?" Anyway, I just thought it was so interesting with all the couples there that I would find an old friend!
Gus! We came across the opportunity to take in this adorable, dark-brindle, 13 week old English Mastiff. He is so cute and absolutely, 100% puppy. Gimli wasn't too sure what to think of him at first. We took Gimli to go look at the puppy because if they didn't get along, it wasn't going to happen. They played and had so much fun. Then we loaded up the puppy in the car to take home. Suddenly Gimli was like "I wouldn't have played with him if I had known he was coming home with us!" And Gimli wasn't too happy because one of the puppy's boxes was on his seat in the car and the puppy got to ride up front because there wasn't room for him, his stuff, and Gimli in the back. So, at first, Gimli was kind of cold to Gus. He tried to ignore him as much as possible. But he's warmed up to him. Gimli has taken on the role of big brother and has this 'no-one-picks-on-him-except-me' attitude. And Gus idolizes Gimli-he follows him everywhere he goes and mimics him. It's cute. Except the other day we got some late-winter snow (hopefully the last of it for this season) and Gus was
frolicking and romping through the snow having a good time until Gimli bull-dozed him then used his paws to roll Gus through the snow until he was a little puppy-snowball. What Gimli doesn't understand is that while he is around 125 lbs., Gus's dad was 180 lbs. and Gus is going to be really, really big very soon.
use puppy-training is a 24 hour job!
