Thursday, June 12, 2008

Things NOT to say to someone dealing with infertility

Well, I've been dealing with infertility for four years now. After trying on our own for a year, on fertility drugs of all sorts for a year and a half (which really made me wacky and oh-so-fun to be around), I've done 2 IVF cycles and am currently in the middle of my 3rd IVF cycle...thus I'm hormonal, hopeful, scared, tired, optimistic, emotional, and crazy all wrapped into one person. Readers Beware! =) Last month, I had an adoption fall through and then watched the movie Juno and sobbed through it. But I know that my story isn't so different from many of you out there. I've decided that it's time to reach out. As I look out in the sea of pregnant women or new mothers (I'm from Utah, the child-bearing capital of the world), I know that there are others just like me who struggle with this and I was just thinking how nice it will be to have some support and to give some support. When I googled blogs about infertility, guess how many turned up...1,797,883. Wow! Talk about not alone! So I've put links to some of the blogs and hope to share my story here. I also hope I can share things I've learned and maybe some insights or thoughts that might help someone else out. Feel free to share any of your thoughts and insights too!
To end my blog for today, I'll share a list I've had in my head from previous experiences of THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE DEALING WITH INFERTILITY:
1. Don't tell me how easy it was for you to conceive. Things I've heard: "If my husband even blinks at me, I get pregnant..." "We were on birth control when we got pregnant." "I wish it wasn't so easy for me to get pregnant..." Believe me, not comforting!!
2. Don't tell me not to think about it. People always tell me that if I just don't think about it, I'll just wake up pregnant one day. Go on vacation and relax, that's when it will happen...If only it were that easy! First of all, anyone dealing or having dealt with infertility knows how all encompassing it is. I can't not think about it. When I'm at church I'm thinking about it, at work? Still thinking about it. At home? Of course, I'm thinking about it. It's like telling a kid not to think about Santa Claus and his bag of presents on Christmas Eve. I'm already dealing with a lot of impossibles, don't add another!
3. Don't tell me to try taking care of your kids for an hour and then I'll change my mind. Do you think I don't know what I'm getting into? Bring on the poopie diapers, the screaming tantrums, the no sleep, the headaches...it's better than the emptiness without children any day. And after all of the financial stress, physical stress, emotional stress, and mental stress, I think that I've proven by now that I really do want children!
4. Please don't run away from me or avoid me. I don't bite (depending on the drugs that I'm currently on)! =)
5. Don't tell me that I can have children in the next life. Not what I want to hear in THIS life!!
6. Don't tell me any horror stories of babies abandoned or of 13 year olds having babies. I know it happens but try not to think about it since I don't understand that part of God's plan yet.
7. Don't choose that time to announce that you are pregnant. Send me a text or email so as to avoid the awkward, tearful congratulations.
8. Don't tell me to try any weird stuff like psychics, eating lots of beans,waiting for a full moon, or hanging upside down...don't you think I've already tried all that stuff?!
and the magical number 9. Don't tell me to try Ebay, been there done that, got the record, let's leave it at that! =)
Anyway, hope to hear from the rest of you infertile myrtles!! Good luck!