The Phases of Infertility

Well, I had transfer yesterday. Things went pretty good. Out of the 6 fertilized, only 3 kept growing, and they were only at fair quality. Hubbie and I were hoping to have some to freeze this time but 3 is better than the 1 we had last time. We ended up transferring all 3 of them (I had two 5-cell and 1 4-cell). The doctor also did what's called assisted hatching where they use a laser to make a little hole to help things out. It's crazy what technology can do! I have to say that this transfer wasn't as bad as the other two. The full bladder thing is always a killer, but we got through it with only a few tears! I'm a crier so that's pretty good! So now I'm in the waiting phase. Fourteen days. Two weeks can drag when you're waiting to find out if all this IVF stuff is going to pay off. Over-thinking everything...is this a sign that I'm pregnant? My back hurts-is that a sign? Can you feel when you're pregnant? Can you feel it when life is created? But in a way I also like this phase because I like to act like I am pregnant and in a delicate condition. So even if it doesn't work out, well, I had those two weeks when I believed I was. Here's hoping!
Looking at some of my others posts, I got to thinking about the different phases of infertility which can come in waves. It's like a constant cycle (a cycle more constant than my own womanly cycle)! So, here's some of the phases I thought of (in no particular order)...
Phase One-Blind optimism. You believe that you are above genetics and statistics and facts. Like how I ignored the fact that my mom struggled with infertility and I thought I would be different. Or like when I would ignore the early cramps and hold onto the idea that I was pregnant until I saw blood. Or how before I went to see the fertility doctor, or before I began IVF, I hoped I would miraculously wake up pregnant and not have to go through it all. My doctor always talked about cautious optimism which was difficult for me to understand. With cautious optimism you have to face the facts with hope and a smile.
Phase Two-Barren Bitterness. There have been times when I couldn't even be near a baby without crying. Friends would have babies and I couldn't visit them. There were babies all over the place and I had to go out of my way to avoid them. It was so unfair. Why could everyone else have babies except me? I had the I-didn't-want-to-go-the-party-anyway attitude that you get when you find out you weren't invited. I probably scowled at pregnant women, who knows?
Phase Three-Deep Depression. In the beginning, I would sob hysterically every time I started my period then move on. But sometimes it got really hard to move on. I didn't want to go to work or see people or do anything. I just wanted to lie in the fetal position and feel sorry for myself. My husband would always try to get me out to do stuff, but it was hard. I felt ugly, useless, alone, and heart broken. I began to feel inferior, left out, unqualified. Sometimes this phase would last a few days, sometimes a few weeks. It's so hard to get out of this funk!
Phase Four-Sporadic Crying. This is probably the phase I'm always in. Sometimes I'll be peachy keen and then a thought will come into my head, and the tears come. Hubbie thinks it's from the drugs I'm on or the hormone upheaval (I don't have the heart to tell him that I think it's in my hard wiring). A few weeks ago, I was driving to the grocery store (which is five minutes from my house) and the thought of the baby that I almost adopted came into my head. I had to pull over and cry for twenty minutes before I could go do my grocery shopping. I need a sign to wear: Warning: Cries without Warning!
Phase Five-The Green-Eyed Beast. Jealousy. I sometimes look at other women and think "Wow! I wish I had her hair" or "I would love to have her body." But the jealousy I feel when I'm around new mothers or pregnant women is so much deeper. One day one of my friends that I work with who is pregnant came in. She has been so sick for the past couple of months and was totally miserable that day. She said something to me without thinking, "Believe me, you don't want this." The Green-Eyed Beast raged and roared. "Yeah, I would much rather just feel like crap for nothing!" That was one of the nicer comments I made. Yikes! It wasn't pretty!
Phase Six-Moody Insanity. One day my husband and I were watching the news and there was this story about a woman who kidnapped a newborn from the hospital. Jokingly, I told my husband that I could relate with that crazy woman. It scared me a little when my husband took me kind of seriously. Was I really coming off as that crazy? Maybe, depending on my mood. (Let me make a very serious note here that I would never do something like that!) But I do know there have been times when my moods have gone up and down better than the wildest roller coaster!
Phase Seven-Extreme Anger. You want to flip everyone off. Scream. Yell obscenities. Punch something. Angry at yourself, your body (the traitor), those pregnant women, your husband, your doctor, your family, your friends, God...you just want to be angry!
Phase Eight-Busy Body. If I can stay busy enough, I won't have time to think about infertility. I'll take on more at work, I can do more in my community, I'll be super-neighbor, I'll clean my house until it sparkles, I do more church stuff, anything so that I don't have a single minute to myself to face what's before me.
Phase Nine-The INDESTRUCTIBLE INFERTILE MYRTLE! This is the phase I want to be in as much as I can. This is the I-can-do-this phase, the I-get-knocked-down-but-I-get-up-again phase. This is cautious optimism, hope, faith, determination. Unfortunately, it's not the easiest phase to be in. The other phases just come naturally and are easy to wallow in. This phase is like that beautiful, pristine lake at the end of a 15-mile hike up a steep mountain. You know that it's where you want to be and worth the hike, but you're not sure you're up to the time and effort it takes to get there. But it is always a place of happiness and is definitely worth it!