About my husband...

My hubbie had to go out of town yesterday and will get back Friday, so I'm just sitting here missing him. He actually travels quite a bit during certain times of the year for his job, so I'm pretty used to it. Though I think the progesterone shots or just the whole IVF thing makes me really clingy. Yeah, I'm the woman holding onto the guy's leg, sobbing hysterically at the airport. Just kidding but that's how I feel sometimes! Anyway, I just have to say what an amazing guy my husband really is. I'll admit when we first started trying to have a baby, he wasn't really into it. Yes, he liked the "trying" but wasn't really ready to be a dad. I think he was scared out of his mind! He wanted to be more financially prepared, get the house in better order, etc. I kept telling him that you are never fully prepared for a baby, no matter how much you do. In all honesty, it was hard at first because we weren't on the same level as far as wanting to conceive. There were times when we both said really hurtful things and when we fought (usually it was when the temps were just right and I had to convince myself and my husband that we should just 'sleep' on things even though we didn't even feel like being in the same room!) I knew that Hubbie started wanting a baby as much as I did when he would be watching other men with their children, and I would see that mushy look in his eyes like what I get when I see mothers with their babies. And I think it was after our first round of IVF that he really admitted that he wanted a baby too, not just for my happiness. When we got the news that it didn't work, he was so strong and held onto me. Once he knew that I was going to be okay, he broke down and admitted that he really wants us to start a family and that he wants to be a father.
Hubbie has always been my strength. There have been times when I know I haven't been a picnic to live with and of course, we've had our fights, but I think this whole trial has brought us closer together as a couple (hey, we've had five years together just him and me). Probably the hardest thing for Hubbie is that he likes to fix things but can't do anything in this situation. It drives him crazy not being able to 'lift my hood', tighten some things, and get me running smoothly. He always concerned about my health and welfare. The thing he always says is that he just wants me to be okay, everything else is optional. He has just been so supportive, always there to lift me up. He's this big, tough-looking, redneck guy but he is just so tender with me. He's overly protective so it has been hard for him to see me in pain. And I like that he doesn't blame me for all of this infertility stuff. I kick myself a lot and put myself down because of my malfunctioning body, but Hubbie always says, "It's not anyone's fault, it's life."
He is always optimistic and grateful too. And quite the comedian. He calls the ultrasound wand a light saber and at the first ultrasound appointment he came to with me, he accompanied the ultrasound with appropriate Star Wars sound effects. He also likes to do a type of sports commentary during ultrasounds. The other day he had the doctor laughing but I chewed him out that he can only make the doctor laugh when he (hubbie) has the light saber up his wa-hoo! =) Hubbie jokes now that he knows as much about female anatomy as a gynecologist and when I suggested he change occupations, he said he didn't want to turn a fun hobby into a job. He's such a goof!
But, overall, neither of us are perfect and we have our good times and our bad times, but I wouldn't want to be doing this with anyone but Hubbie, I can't imagine doing this with anyone but him! He is definitely my everything!
And I've also been thinking how hard all of this is on him. I don't think women going through infertility realize how hard it is for the man. Like my husband, many men don't voice what they're feeling and just internalize everything. My husband is usually so concerned with being strong and being there for me, that he doesn't ever get the opportunity to grieve or let it all out. I've seen Hubbie break down once, but it was only after he knew for sure that I was okay. I realized that he was just as broken hearted but so busy trying to heal my heart, he didn't have time to deal with his. After my 2nd failed IVF, the day we had the it-didn't-work-so-now-what doctor appointment, Hubbie was really on one. He was grouchy and picking fights about all of these little things, and I was feeling so frustrated with him. I couldn't figure out what his problem was. My sister suggested that maybe he was struggling with dealing with the failed IVF. I remember thinking, "what does she know? He's my husband...I would know if that were the issue...He's just being jerk!" But then after the appointment, Hubbie apologized for being grouchy and said, "I guess I'm just having a hard time dealing with all of this. It was hard going back to the doctor knowing that it didn't work. I didn't realize it would get to me like this." I'm trying to be more aware now and to be there for him too. We can hold each other up through tough times!