My husband and I were having one of our many conversations about infertility the other day. It's kind of nice because it used to be a topic full of tension for us but I really feel that we've grown closer through everything and can really talk about things now. Anyway, we got to talking about eliminating the 'why'. There's always a lot of 'why' in infertility: why can't I get pregnant? Why can that 14 year old girl get pregnant and I can't? Why is what I want most so out of reach? And what it really comes down to-Why me? Sometimes I fall into the 'why me' trap so easily and then it's hard to not feel depressed and gloomy. And the 'why' thing is really hard to understand. I don't know why bad things happen to good people or why bad people sometimes get good things. I don't know why infertility is part of my trial package in life. I don't know why two irresponsible teenagers in the back of a car can do what highly-trained, experienced doctors can't do for me. But as Hubbie and I were talking, we came to the conclusion it's not our task in life to know the 'why'. God knows the 'why' and knows what's best for us. It's our job to do what is right and just have faith that if we continue to try to be the people that God wants us to be, things will work out for our good. So I'm going to try to eliminate that nasty 'why' and just focus on the 'what does God want me to do with my life' and see where it takes me!
And a sidenote on crying: I've decided that crying is like epilepsy. I knew this lady who was epileptic and she explained to me one day that, for the most part, she knew what triggered her seizures and could generally feel when one was coming on. But at other times, a seizure would just come out of the blue, sometimes creating very embarrassing situations for her. So this came to my mind the other day as I was sitting in a public setting bawling my eyes out. I generally know what can trigger crying for me...thinking about loved ones that I've lost, thinking about how hard it would be to lose the loved ones that I've got right now, babies, talking about babies, thinking about babies. But then again, sometimes I can be really strong. The other day we went swimming with a group of friends and their kids and my husband and I became the designated 'fun' people. We were constantly going around the lazy river and the whirlpool with kids clinging to our necks and arms. And then I got to swim and play with my friend's one-year-old baby who is absolutely adorable. She was so cute--she kept splashing the water with her hands and then scrunching up her face when the water would hit her. She couldn't figure out the connection. You would think something like that would make me cry, but I loved it too much to cry. Anyway, sometimes I know I'm in a situation where I'm about to start crying and can gracefully pull myself together or get out there before I lose it. Other times the tears just come and there's nothing I can do about it. Ask my husband about my sitting in the middle of the grocery store on a patio chair for sale and crying for who-knows-what reason...how embarrassing.
Another experience that I just had a couple of days ago. I was talking with some friends from the neighborhood and one point I said something about babies and one of the women said, "Are you trying to tell us something?" I still never know what to say so I just said, "No, I wish!" The woman kind of knows about my situation, but not too much-just the basic they've-been-married-for-a-few-years-and-yet-have-no-children fact. Anyway, she suddenly turned bright red and said, "I am so sorry! It took me six years to have my first baby and I always vowed that I would never be one of those people who ask things like that!" She was so embarrassed. I brushed it off and then we got to talking about other foot-in-the-mouth experiences. I wasn't offended and what I really want to tell her but didn't was that she gave me hope that someday maybe I will be in her category-she has three wonderful children, the youngest is in high school. And I would rather get comments like that then be treated like have a plague. I would hate it if people were constantly saying behind my back, "oh, don't mention babies or anything like that around her...she's infertile." I don't want people walking on egg shells around me. Granted there are comments that drive me crazy (see my post on what no to say to someone dealing with infertility) but I guess as long as people are making these comments, there's still hope, right?
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