Hope is the thing with feathers

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Well, I'm just trying to past time until my egg retrieval in a couple of hours and thought I'd post again. The retrieval is generally the easy part (it's the transfer that is rough for me). I just hope that the doctor is able to get some really good quality, fatty eggs from me today. So, I'm sitting here feeling like I'm carrying bowling balls instead of ovaries and sick (somehow I've caught a cold) and I'm thinking about hope. Like I hope things go well today. I hope my cold keeps getting worse because my body is just so focused on making beautiful eggs. Or I really hope I feel better later. Or, most of all, I hope I get pregnant. The poem I copied in this post today is from Emily Dickinson and one of my favorites about hope. I like the metaphor of hope being a bird. It fits well. The other day I was reading someone else's blog and she was really frustrated and asking when it's time to give up. I've been thinking about that a lot. When do you throw in the towel and say I've done all that I can, I can't do this anymore? I know I've felt like giving up before, like I couldn't deal with all of it anymore. But it's like this-here in Utah winters get really cold and snowy and usually most birds take off. But there's always a couple who don't, who brave it out. You see the little birds huddled and fighting the winter and then my favorite thing is in the spring as things get warmer and you hear that first bird song of the season. And soon enough the trees are full of birds singing. I'm not a winter person, and sometimes I get really down, but those little birds and my hope for spring get me through it. With infertility, sometimes it's like one big winter and I have moments when I feel like giving up hope, but somehow hope just keeps flying back into my heart. So, I've decided that no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to keep hoping and keep trying. I've got four rounds of IVF that I can do-I'm on round 3 right now. And if IVF doesn't work out, I'll keep looking for other options (including adoption). Someday I'll have children! So, wish me luck! And keep hoping!