Saturday, June 20, 2009

Side Effects of Infertility

When we began our adoption process, we went to this class where they spoke a lot about unresolved issues, specifically unresolved issues with infertility. And I remember thinking that I didn't really have any unresolved issues. It's been a long, difficult road, but I truly feel I'm better than I was because of the trials. I feel like I've coped and dealt with the different issues of infertility and that I was moving forward, without any unresolved issues. Well, now that I'm pregnant I have discovered a side effect of infertility, an unresolved issue, if you will. I think that the denial or doubt that good things can happen to me and the fear that the happiness rug will be pulled out from underneath me at any time are both real side effects of my battle with infertility.
For example, a week after I found out I was pregnant, I had what I would call a 'moment of insanity'. It was a stormy night and my husband had a study group at 7 pm. All was well. At some point Gimli did something to get in trouble and got sent to his room. I had had a really long, tiring day and fell asleep around 10 pm. Well, around midnight, Gimli became upset to still be in his room and body slammed the door, waking me up. I was disoriented and confused at first. I let Gimli out and looked at the clock. It was midnight and Hubbie wasn't in bed with me. I looked all over the house for him. He wasn't home. His car wasn't in the drive-way. I called him on his cell but it kept going straight to voicemail. I began to panic. I didn't know where his study group was meeting, I didn't even know what direction to drive to go look for him. The thought that was running through my mind was, "He's lying dead in a ditch somewhere because I'm pregnant and nothing this purely good can happen to me!" I was debating whether or not to call his dad or my dad or the police or what. As I sat there ready to dial 911, suddenly my phone rang--it was Hubbie. They had been working on a huge project and decided to keep plugging forward until they got it done. He was going to call me around 10 but was afraid I was asleep and didn't want to wake me. I just started bawling, sobbing hysterically. And even after Hubbie got home, it took me a full hour to calm myself down.

Example #2-Even after a positive home pregnancy test and a positive blood test, I still had difficulty believing that I really was pregnant. Remember, I thought I had a tumor in my uterus that my body had mistaken for a baby. It wasn't until the first ultrasound and the doctor showing me my baby's heart beating that it started to sink in. And even now, I am an ultrasound junkie. Just days after a doctor's appointment and I'm craving another ultrasound to see how things are going. I would get one everyday if I could just to have that daily assurance that all is well. I can't wait until I can feel the baby moving!

I have got to teach myself to quit waiting for something bad to happen, to just let this miracle be. I am so grateful and happy and so afraid to lose this! I'm like the little girl who gets a pretty, new doll but never plays with it because she's afraid to break it! I am going to allow myself to be 100%, totally unguarded happy. I will take down this wall of self-protection and let the sunshine in! I will quit worrying and being afraid. I will have more faith and hope.

I was reading this article the other day and it had this scripture from Romans 5:3-5: "We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience, and patience, experience; and experience hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." And I thought how true that scripture is. Our hard times, our trials, our tribulation, if used correctly in life, do make us more patient. And with patience comes experience--the wisdom of having been there, done that. And our experiences should bring us hope. I look back at my life experiences and I realize that I have been so blessed in my life in so many ways and even when I don't think I can get through something, I always do. Experience has taught me what I am capable of and that the sun always rises after the darkest night, that rainbows come after the grayest storms. It sounds cliche maybe, but I can't deny that the love of God is shed abroad in every moment in my life. So I will take the tribulation of infertility and the patience and the experience, and I will have hope, and I will be happy!


Kate said...

I had (and at times still have) very similar feelings. I wouldn't say we struggled through infertility, but I did strugle through 15+ months of wanting and wishing (I know, it is not that long, but it always feels long)so anytime anything happend I worried. I had bleeding at 8 weeks, we were on vacation and I spent everynight praying and crying, Everything was fine, after his birth I worried about SIDS, and as always, God would find ways, sometimes wonderful ways, to tell me that all would be well. I am so happy for you guys. The sunshine feels so good after the dark cold night, doesn't it!

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