April Fool's Day in October

The past couple of days have been kind of hard. My body decided to play a little trick on me, and I realized that I don't have to wait until April 1st-I can be a fool any time during the year! I'm starting a new round of IVF in October and as part of that cycle, I need to start taking birth control at the beginning of this month's cycle. So I was ready for my period. No big deal. A means to an end. Then I was late. I usually have long cycles, between 33-35 days but not more than 35 days. There was a time when I didn't have cycles at all and had to take medicine just to have my period, but that was a couple of years ago. So day 35 came and went. Day 36. Day 37. I didn't even have any pre-cycle cramps like I usually do. No signs that anything was coming. So I'm at the store and I walk by the pregnancy tests, and I think, "well, I need to know either way." Even though I've really been trying to avoid pregnancy tests because I already know that those little pee sticks with the single pink line can be very heart-breaking. But I need to know, right? If I'm pregnant, great! Then I won't have to go through another round of IVF, and I'll be pregnant with a BABY! If I'm not pregnant, then I'll know that I need to be on the look-out for my cycle to begin or maybe talk to the doctor about what I need to do to jump-start my cycle. "It's fine either way," I told myself. So I took the test and 3 minutes later the single pink line was staring back at me. Negative. And after all I've told myself, after thinking I'm so strong, after thinking that I've moved beyond all this and that I'm in a place where infertility can't hurt me anymore...a single pink line and I'm back to square one and heartbroken. I crumbled. And I realized that just because I ignored all those secret desires that maybe I would miraculously get pregnant and that I wouldn't have to go through IVF again and that I would finally have some surety in this infertility game-even though I ignored these feelings, they were still there. And even though I know that I am capable of doing another round of IVF, there's always the hope that I won't have to. And I think this next round of IVF really scares more than any of the others because it is possibly my last try with IVF. Before I could tell myself, "well, I have 3 more rounds, 2 more rounds, 1 more round..."
So, yesterday I woke up with those wondefully-awful, endometriotic cramps (one of those curses of endometriosis is that you get to have especially painful and awful periods), but worse of all, with heart cramps. You know, that heart ache that comes with being unable to realize your dreams of having a baby, that comes with each period. Out of everything, I think that heart cramps are worse than anything else because you can't take anything for it and the heating pad doesn't help! Luckily (though my hubbie won't describe it like that), my hubbie was really sick yesterday which gave me the excuse to take the day off and gave me the distraction of taking care of him. Poor Gimli had to take care of two sickly, heavily-medicated parents; too bad he can't cook! But otherwise, he kept a good eye on us.
And here's what I'm grateful for...not going to work yesterday made me realize how grateful I am to be a teacher and how grateful I am for the students that I have. I actually really missed those dear 8th graders. I know I'm in the right place because I love being there. When I'm not there, I actually feel like I'm missing out on things! (It's good that I've put this into writing, because who knows if I'll still be able to say it in June!)