Infertile Myrtle's Blog

New Blog Address

2009-10-01T13:38:00.001-07:00

For anyone interested in checking out my new blog and listening to my never-ending ramblings, here is the address: http://mylilboysandme.blogspot.com/

Thanks again, for all of your support!

Putting Infertile Myrtle away for awhile

2009-09-14T19:35:00.001-07:00

Well, after much thought I've decided to put Infertile Myrtle away for awhile which means I'm going to start a new blog for this new chapter in my life. I thought about just changing the name of my blog, but, in respect to the years of struggle as Infertile Myrtle, I've decided to start a new blog and lay Infertile Myrtle to rest. Heaven knows, she deserves the rest! I don't know what the future will hold for me...it's possible that I will need to resurrect Infertile Myrtle when I try to have my next baby. But I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm just going to enjoy the moment that I'm in right now. And just knowing that Infertile Myrtle is there for me when I need her, I know I'm going to be okay come what may. Infertility has been a big part of my life for a long time, and won't be something I'll forget. I hope that dealing with infertility has made me a better person...
Before I close, I just want to thank everyone for your support, your love, your empathy, and your kind words. I've always felt like I've been part of sisterhood of infertile friends. Thank you for being there at my lowest points and celebrating with me in the joyous times. I wish all of you the best! If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to e-mail me at mj4toty@gmail.com.

Prego Life So Far

2009-08-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am 6 months pregnant and everything continues to go so well. Turkey (that's what we call the baby since he's due close to Thanksgiving) continues to grow. I am a doctor-junkie! I love going to the dr. every month to hear the baby's heart and to hear the dr. say that everything looks just how it's supposed to. I would go everyday if I could! I love feeling the baby kick inside of me, a feeling that I never thought I would have the opportunity to experience. At first, I thought it was maybe just gas bubbles, but now Turkey's packing a stronger punch, and I know it's him exercising and growing and saying hi. Every morning I wake up in complete shock when I see my big belly and realize that it wasn't just a dream, that I'm really, truly pregnant. The love that I feel for this baby is so overwhelming and soul-consuming. I wish I could find stronger words to express the emotions that overflow from my heart each day. And when I pray, 'thank you' just doesn't feel like enough.
I have to admit that this pregnancy hasn't been all that hard. I've had good friends who have been so sick and miserable during their entire pregnancy, some who have been bed-ridden for months. But I haven't even really had a single day of morning sickness. The first trimester I felt really exhausted and a little nauseated here and there, but that's about it. Well, there was the incident with the microwave fish sticks, but that would have made me sick even if I wasn't pregnant. What made me think of eating microwave fish sticks? Yuck! I even just went on an Alaskan cruise and didn't really get sea sick. I'm counting myself lucky and blessed. I keep telling my body, "See, pregnancy's not so bad! We're actually pretty good at it! Why did you fight against this for so long?" I get sore hips and some minor aches and pains here and there, but nothing worth complaining about!
I know some women have a hard time seeing their girlish figures go away, but I love having a big belly. I finally look pregnant, and I love when people notice. I don't mind when people pat my belly because I can't resist rubbing my belly all the time either. I've worked so hard for this and I like to show off my belly like a trophy or one of those giant heavy-weight belts that wrestlers get when they win a championship. Maybe it's partly because I've always had a little bit of a poochy belly that I've always tried to hide, but now I have a good excuse!
And I love how people treat you when you're pregnant. I'll admit that it used to make me so jealous when I would see how people would pamper and take care of a pregnant woman while I carried my own heavy boxes out the door. Now I know pregnant women need the extra care, but I used to feel a little bad because I just wanted to be that woman so badly! But now I'm living it up! I used to have 'princess days' when I would do the egg retrieval and transfer for IVF. I would write it on the calendar as such. Hubbie would get me anything I wanted to eat, rent a couple of sappy chick flicks, and just cater to my every need during those times. Now everyday is a 'princess day'! Hubbie takes such good care of me. The poor guy hasn't really eaten a home cooked meal in months (well, except for when we go to his mom's house)! He has Wingers on speed dial because I love their potato skins. He is so patient with me. We're both starting to realize that in a few months (the time is flying by) we are going to be parents. Suddenly we're realizing how unprepared we are! And it's not just getting the nursery ready...it's getting our lives and our heads ready for not being empty-nesters anymore. Suddenly I'm panicking--am I going to be a good mom? Will I know what to do? Can I give this baby everything he deserves and more? The idea of marriage used to freak Hubbie out. He was a very happy bachelor, enjoying his freedoms. When we were dating and he would get out of line, I would whip out the 'M' word to scare him. This is a guy who jeeps up rock walls, jumps out of airplanes without hesitation...I had never really seen him scared until the day we got married. He wasn't just scared, he was terrified. It was kind of funny to see this big, tough guy so scared of little ol' me. Now I freak him out with the 'B' word--baby. When he gets out of line now, I pull out a pair of onesies or chase him around with my big belly. We're both so excited yet so terrified at the same time. But I'm so glad to be facing this new chapter in life with Hubbie.
One last thing, on our cruise we had this sweet waiter named Walter. He took such good care of us at dinner each night. If I remember right, I think he is from Mexico. Anyway, toward the end of the cruise (7 day cruise), thanks to all of the yummy food, I was looking much more pregnant than I did at the beginning. About the middle of the cruise, Walter asked me, "Are you pregnant?" He was so excited when I told him that I was. He later told Hubbie that he and his girlfriend are trying to have a baby, but no luck yet. But he was so excited for us and gave us each a big hug on the last day and wished us the best of luck with everything. I hope the best of luck for him in his life!

It's a Boy!

2009-06-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

Words can't describe the joy that these pictures bring to me! He's normal and healthy and waved at us during the entire ultrasound! Tears of joy! =)

Side Effects of Infertility

2009-06-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

When we began our adoption process, we went to this class where they spoke a lot about unresolved issues, specifically unresolved issues with infertility. And I remember thinking that I didn't really have any unresolved issues. It's been a long, difficult road, but I truly feel I'm better than I was because of the trials. I feel like I've coped and dealt with the different issues of infertility and that I was moving forward, without any unresolved issues. Well, now that I'm pregnant I have discovered a side effect of infertility, an unresolved issue, if you will. I think that the denial or doubt that good things can happen to me and the fear that the happiness rug will be pulled out from underneath me at any time are both real side effects of my battle with infertility.
For example, a week after I found out I was pregnant, I had what I would call a 'moment of insanity'. It was a stormy night and my husband had a study group at 7 pm. All was well. At some point Gimli did something to get in trouble and got sent to his room. I had had a really long, tiring day and fell asleep around 10 pm. Well, around midnight, Gimli became upset to still be in his room and body slammed the door, waking me up. I was disoriented and confused at first. I let Gimli out and looked at the clock. It was midnight and Hubbie wasn't in bed with me. I looked all over the house for him. He wasn't home. His car wasn't in the drive-way. I called him on his cell but it kept going straight to voicemail. I began to panic. I didn't know where his study group was meeting, I didn't even know what direction to drive to go look for him. The thought that was running through my mind was, "He's lying dead in a ditch somewhere because I'm pregnant and nothing this purely good can happen to me!" I was debating whether or not to call his dad or my dad or the police or what. As I sat there ready to dial 911, suddenly my phone rang--it was Hubbie. They had been working on a huge project and decided to keep plugging forward until they got it done. He was going to call me around 10 but was afraid I was asleep and didn't want to wake me. I just started bawling, sobbing hysterically. And even after Hubbie got home, it took me a full hour to calm myself down.

Example #2-Even after a positive home pregnancy test and a positive blood test, I still had difficulty believing that I really was pregnant. Remember, I thought I had a tumor in my uterus that my body had mistaken for a baby. It wasn't until the first ultrasound and the doctor showing me my baby's heart beating that it started to sink in. And even now, I am an ultrasound junkie. Just days after a doctor's appointment and I'm craving another ultrasound to see how things are going. I would get one everyday if I could just to have that daily assurance that all is well. I can't wait until I can feel the baby moving!

I have got to teach myself to quit waiting for something bad to happen, to just let this miracle be. I am so grateful and happy and so afraid to lose this! I'm like the little girl who gets a pretty, new doll but never plays with it because she's afraid to break it! I am going to allow myself to be 100%, totally unguarded happy. I will take down this wall of self-protection and let the sunshine in! I will quit worrying and being afraid. I will have more faith and hope.

I was reading this article the other day and it had this scripture from Romans 5:3-5: "We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience, and patience, experience; and experience hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." And I thought how true that scripture is. Our hard times, our trials, our tribulation, if used correctly in life, do make us more patient. And with patience comes experience--the wisdom of having been there, done that. And our experiences should bring us hope. I look back at my life experiences and I realize that I have been so blessed in my life in so many ways and even when I don't think I can get through something, I always do. Experience has taught me what I am capable of and that the sun always rises after the darkest night, that rainbows come after the grayest storms. It sounds cliche maybe, but I can't deny that the love of God is shed abroad in every moment in my life. So I will take the tribulation of infertility and the patience and the experience, and I will have hope, and I will be happy!

Catching Up

2009-06-09T15:47:00.000-07:00

First, I have just one excuse for not blogging for so long...end of the school year. I didn't realize how all-encompassing the end of a school year is until I saw the date on my last entry (and the fact that my husband hasn't had a home-cooked meal since before that date and the fact that my house is looking like wreckage from a major disaster provide further evidence). Wow! Well, a lot has been going on besides school, and I have been itching to blog about everything. So, here I am, FINALLY!
One exciting thing, right now I am sitting at my home computer typing this. This is really big for me. Three days ago my husband and I finally entered the 21st century and got internet at our home. The journey began almost 5 1/2 years ago. At first, my hubbie had some sort of hang-up about internet in the house (I refer to this time as his kooky phase). "We have internet at work, or you can go to the local library..." Then he complained when I came home from work so late. And I complained about trying to maintain my blogs and e-mails and Facebook and all those other 21st century things while sitting by some smelly person at the library (though sometimes the smell persisted when I got home, so it's always possible that I'm the smelly person...) or some creepy looking guy who made me paranoid that he was always looking at my screen. Anyway, finally my hubbie consented that internet is not evil and that it would actually be quite beneficial in our home. Then fate started working against me. Apparently, my home is in some sort of internet-dead zone. We can steal internet from the neighbor across the street (though we would never do such a thing!), but we couldn't find a company that could get internet to work at our house. Except for dial-up which wouldn't work because 1) we don't have a land line and 2) I don't have the patience for dial-up. To make a long story medium-long, we finally found a company after much searching and much money and here I happily type!

Okay, for the really exciting news going on in our lives...
In my last post, I wrote how hubbie and I are adopting. We also had plans to do a final round of IVF this summer. Well, plans change. Basically, we put all of our cards on the table--adoption, IVF...we were going to get a baby one way or another. And then God had a card up His sleeve. On April 3rd we found out that I'm pregnant. --Pause here to allow you to re-read that last sentence--First, let me say how beyond excited we are about this miracle in our lives. Second, I have to say that I've had a hard time trying to find a way to make the announcement on this blog. In fact, I just successfully small-talked about getting the internet for a couple of paragraphs trying to think of what I really want to say. I've been Infertile Myrtle for so long that suddenly finding out that I'm pregnant has been like an identity crisis. I realize that I had become quite comfortable in Myrtle's shoes; I knew what to expect; I have a lot of experience. Being pregnant is so NEW to me. So, I guess I'll just start by telling you our story of how we came to find out and what our journey has been like so far.
April Fool's Day, Hubbie was out of town, and I was waiting for my period to start. I needed it to start soon so that I could start tracking things and getting ready for my next IVF cycle. I hadn't really been keeping track of my cycles for the past few months because I knew I was going to be doing IVF, so I figured I would worry about it then. Well, you know how you have that feeling like you should have started your period by now? So, I got out a calendar and figured it all out and I was 10 days late. I didn't think for even a second that I was pregnant. After over 4 1/2 years of infertility, you come to the point where you stop jumping to that conclusion immediately (though I do slip every now and then). I told my husband on the phone, "Good April Fool's Day joke on me...my body's messing with me again." His response: "You probably just counted wrong." And I remember being so frustrated with my body because I needed it to work right so that this last round of IVF would go well. I was so anxious and nervous about this round working. Well, two days later, on a Friday, my husband got home from his business trip. I had a class that evening and didn't get home until around 10 pm that night. And still no period. I decided to do a home pregnancy test. Again, this wasn't to see if I was pregnant--that just wasn't a possibility in my mind. I just knew that every time I do a pregnancy test, I start my period within hours afterward. So I thought I would just get things going. I did the test and waited indifferently for the one-line. I glanced at the test and there they were: two wonderful pink lines. I can't express my emotions at that moment. Even as I type this, the tears come freely because all the heart ache, all the negatives, all the hurt...and there it was: what I've wanted for so very long. And suddenly that little bird called Hope was fluttering in my heart.
I had always wanted to do something cute and creative to tell my hubbie, but what actually happened was me handing him the pregnancy test and blubbering incoherently for a long time. Neither one of us could make complete sentences. He looked at the test and said, "Does this mean...?" I nodded. And then we just sat there holding each other and crying. After awhile, we had to go look for our dog because he had run away and on the way home we stopped at Wendy's and got yogurt parfaits to celebrate. As Brad Paisley sings, "Yeah, I live for little moments like that."
After all of this, I was in total denial. Could this really be happening to me? I have the accuracy statistics memorized for home pregnancy tests, but even then I still worried that it might be a false-positive. Monday I went in and did a blood test. Overwhelmingly positive. Not borderline, you might be, but yes, you are definitely pregnant. That was exciting, but even then I still had a hard time believing that I was really, truly pregnant. I began worrying that maybe I actually had a tumor or something and my body just thought it was a baby. Yes, it sounds crazy, but this is what infertility does to you. It wasn't until our first doctor's appointment that it finally became a reality for me. The doctor was funny. I hadn't been to see my Ob-gyn for awhile (not since I had started meeting with my fertility specialist-I figured one doctor looking at my insides was enough). In fact, the last time I had seen him was when he did a laparoscopy on me. He was looking at my charts and saying things like, "Wow! You really were messed up, weren't you?!" Okay, my ovaries were cemented to my hips with scar tissue--I was messed up. Well, even the doctor was cautiously optimistic. He asked us, "So you've done three rounds of IVF and none of them worked?"
Us: "Nope."
Dr:"And you just got pregnant on your own?"
Us: "Yep. We were the only ones in the room."
Dr: "Well, let's just take a look at things before we go any further..."
So he did the ultrasound and there was a baby. And we could see its little heart beating. And it looked just as a baby should look at that point. We were all in shock. The doctor kept saying, "Wow! This is incredible!" I just lay there and bawled. Granted it was just this little blob on the screen at that point, but we could see its little heart beating. It was real. It was alive. It was so beautiful. After chasing rainbows all of my life, there I was with a pot of gold. Wow!
Since then, we've had the opportunity to hear the baby's heart beat, I'm starting to get a baby-bump, and in two weeks we'll do the full ultrasound and possibly find out what we're having. Even with all of this, it is still hard for me to believe that right now I am 16 weeks (that's four months!) pregnant. We made the big announcement to our families on Mother's Day. I had had enough rough Mother's Days--I wanted to make it a special holiday with tears of joy instead of tears of hurt. Of course, everyone was in total shock! At first, everyone thought an adoption had come through. They were double-surprised when they found out I was pregnant! By the way, we're still doing the adoption thing. Hubbie and I both feel really strongly that the Lord took us down that road for a reason and that there is a very special child waiting to come to us down that road. So we'll see how things go with that.

Now, one little thing I need to clear up. As we've announced that we're having a baby, I've had to smile patiently as people have said things like:
"See! You just needed to relax!"
"I told you--the minute you went to adopt you would get pregnant!"
"You just needed to not think about it..."
What I want to say at these times is, "What part of planning another round of IVF and doing the adoption process is relaxing? And when did I stop thinking about all of this?!"
This baby is 100% miracle. There is no doubt in my mind that this was completely in God's hands. It is not because of anything I did or didn't do. Am I any more worthy or prepared now than I would have been earlier? No. Do I deserve this any more than another woman? No. It's just God's timing and His plan. I don't understand all of it and I can never predict what might happen next, but I do know that even the hard times and the good are all part of a loving Father's plan. And I feel that God loved me and was aware of me just as much when in my struggles (maybe more so in hard times) as He loves me and is aware of me in this time of joy. I never could have faced infertility alone. And even at my darkest times, I never was alone. It's funny because I feel like a soldier returning from war. I survived the battle, and even though I have this great triumph in my life, I will always have the old battle scars to remind me of the fight that I fought. Hopefully I fought it well. And hopefully when I come to my next battle, I'll be a little wiser, a little stronger, a little more patient, and a little more faithful.

P.S. And I haven't forgotten my fellow soldiers still fighting the infertility battle. Here's a shout out to you! You amaze me with your courage and strength. Keep fighting!

Big Announcement!

2009-04-03T11:08:00.001-07:00

First, I need to acknowledge and apologize for the fact that I haven't been a very good blogger lately. It's funny because I always have blogs rolling through my head-a character in this book I'm reading compared his thoughts to clothes tumbling in a dryer, I like that.
So, on to my big news...no, I'm not pregnant (well, I don't think I am-as we all know, it would take an absolute MIRACLE-though I'm a true believer in miracles, anyway...)! But I have to tell you I have been up to secret works...Hubbie and I are adopting!! We are so excited. We are going through LDS Adoptive Services and were recently approved. So far the journey has been a wonderful, strengthening experience. Just filling out the paperwork has brought us closer together. Right now we are in the finding stage of our journey (there's no waiting--it's all about being proactive!). Our caseworker says adoption could take anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of years once you're approved because with their program the birth mother gets to pick the family for her child. The focus is all about getting the right baby to the right family. We had the opportunity to go to a training class where we got to listen to panels of speakers-people who have adopted, people who are adopted, and people who have placed children for adoption. The birth parents were especially neat to listen to because they were just so sincere and you could tell how hard it was for them and what an unselfish sacrifice they have made. But despite the heart ache, all of them spoke of how glad they were that they did it and that they know they did the right thing. I am a firm believer that God moves in mysterious ways and know that Heavenly Father will bless us with a family one way or another.
So, there it is, now you know our big secret. The next post will be some previous posts that I made on this other blog I used to write on. (I'm trying to consolidate my blogs-I have way too many!) Wish us luck (in the adoption and in the consolidating)! =)

And here is some great information and what not about adoption:

Families Supporting Adoption seeks to raise awareness of adoption as a loving choice. Adoption is a wonderful option when faced with an unplanned pregnancy. Adoption blesses the lives of birthparents, adoptive couples, and adoptive children. Contrary to what some may believe, parents who place their children for adoption are not taking the “easy way out” or abandoning their responsibility. Instead, they are placing the needs of their children before their own. Such a decision is deserving of the highest respect.

Below are links to an adoption video and adoption articles. The more we all become educated on adoption, and dispel myths and misunderstandings through sharing accurate information, the more lives will be changed for the better. This is especially true for adopted children when they are surrounded by adults who understand, appreciate, support, and speak to the child in terms of the loving decision of adoption.

“Adoption and Abortion” You Tube video

Listen to the journey of a birthmother through adoption.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGCxBmoAIAE

“The Gift of Adoption,” Ensign, Feb. 2009

This article explores adoption from the point of view of the birthmother, birthfather, birth grandparent, and adoptive child.

“Why Adoption?,” Ensign, Jan. 2008

This article explores adoption from the point of view of the adoptive couple.

“Abortion: An Assault on the Defenseless,” Ensign, Oct. 2008

“Making a Family,” Friend, Feb. 2009

Based on a true story, a young child learns about the loving choice of adoption.

For more information on adoption, go to itsaboutlove.org

For more information about Families Supporting Adoption, go to familiessupportingadoption.org

Posts from my Adoption Blog

2009-04-03T10:52:00.000-07:00

I'm going to delete my other blog in an attempt to consolidate and get everything under control, but I don't want to lose the posts that I did. So this post is going to be really long, but will have all of my posts copied and pasted with the dates. I hope this makes sense!
The Journey-September 27, 2008
My husband and I are filling out adoption papers. There, I said it. My heart is full of so many emotions that I don't even know where to start. I have another blog at infertilemyrtlesblog.blogspot.com where I've been pouring out my emotions and thoughts about dealing with infertility. In November, my husband and I will have been trying to conceive for four years. In January we'll have been married for five years. But looking back over the years, I don't feel like the years we've spent trying to have a baby have been any harder or easier than that one year we had not worrying about it. And I definitely feel like the struggles of infertility have really drawn us closer. We are so different in so many ways, but this battle has given us a common cause to fight against together. Just a quick synopsis of our ttc battle so far: I have endometriosis, but didn't find that out until a couple of years ago. We tried on our own for a year, with fertility drugs for a year and a half, and have since done three rounds of IVF. I'm starting my fourth and probably final round of IVF in a couple of weeks. And now we've decided to also begin the adoption process.
I don't know why I don't want to write about these new developments in our journey towards parenthood on my other blog. But I do know that I need to write about things. I'm very comfortable in Infertile Myrtle's shoes, but for some reason, I feel like keeping my IVF and adoption separated for now. Like maybe they won't get along?
Well, here's how it all started. Lately, I've been thinking about adoption more and more. We had a possible adoption fall through a few months ago which was totally devastating but ever since then it has been like there have been adoption signs all over the place. We're at a concert and Rodney Atkins suddenly stops and gives a beautiful speech about his parents who adopted him and how thankful he is for them and how much encourages others to think about the great things they can do through adoption. A song about adoption comes on the radio. We meet some new friends and they introduce us to their beautiful, little girl that they've adopted, and she is just so beautiful. One of my student's parents are going through the adoption process to adopt another child. And suddenly it's like we're surrounded by adoption. So I'm thinking about it a lot. And I have this feeling that I need to talk to hubbie about it. So one day we're driving home from visiting my parents and I decide to bring it up (I was very hesitant because there have been times that topics such as adoption could cause heated discussions). But this time, hubbie says, "yeah, I think we should look into it. Just look." So we decided to pray and fast about it the next Sunday. So we prayed and fasted about adoption and that this next round of IVF would go well for us. And then we talked about it again. My husband has a cousin who adopted a child and then while she was going through the process of adoption for a second child, she did another round of IVF and ended up pregnant with twins. In the end, she ended up with four children all under the age of 3. We don't neccessarily want that but we figured she's been on every side of all of this and would have a good perspective for us. So, I called her and we ended up going to her house and talking with her and her husband for hours. We didn't leave until just before midnight! She and her husband gave us a lot to think about. She talked about how hard the waiting period is and how overwhelming the adoption process is. She talked about how emotionally hard it was to meet the birth mothers and then take the baby from them. But she also talked about how beautiful it was. She said that every mother should experience adoption, because there is no other feeling like when they put that baby in your arms and you think of all that you went through for that moment. And she talked about how adoption blesses so many people-the birth mothers are just so grateful that someone is willing to raise and love their baby for them and the adopting couple is just so grateful that someone is willing to give the responsibility to love and raise this child to someone else. Anyway, one of the last things she said was that doing IVF and adoption at the same time was actually a blessing for her. They helped her not get too obsessed about one or the other. IVF helped distract her from the waiting anxieties of adoption and going through the adoption process helped distract her from the anxieties of IVF.
Well, after talking to her and talking with each other some more, we decided to do it. I've been thinking a lot about all of this. All of the alternatives. If this round of IVF doesn't work, then we'll still have the adoption process going. If this round of IVF does work, then I hope they will allow us to continue the adoption process. My biggest fear is that they wouldn't. Or what if I ended up with an adopted baby and one or two babies by birth? I know it would be extremely difficult. But I really think I could do it. I've been training to be a mommy all of my life, and I think I have enough love stored up for a hundred babies!! Women have multiple babies quite often and strong families. One of our friends who had twins from her first pregnancy said that she didn't see it as more difficult because she just didn't know any different.
There are so many other factors-money, getting the house ready, getting myself ready, getting our marriage ready, hubbie's in school right now getting his MBA...but the most important thing is that I want to do what Heavenly Father wants me to do. So far the biggest lesson I've learned is that everything is on God's timetable and that I just need to have patience and faith. However, I'm a really slow learner. I know I have faith in Heavenly Father. I know that He answers prayers and that He loves us. Faith in myself is where I fall short. I don't have a lot of faith in myself in recognizing His answers to my prayers. I think that this is the right direction, so I'll go forward but then sometimes I start getting doubts. It's been like this with every major decision I've made though...which college to go to, going on a mission, getting married...I've basically had the attitude that I think I'm going in the right direction, but if I'm not God will have to strike me down. And sometimes I don't know if the obstacles that I face are God's way of saying I'm going in the wrong direction or if they're just the obstacles that come with everything in life-you know, the best things come with a price or the 'God-gives-us-obstacles-to-make-us-stronger' thing. I know what I need to do though--I need to strengthen myself spiritually. Daily scripture reading and prayer. Slow things down in my life so I have more time to listen to what God is saying to me. Serve others. Open my heart to the Holy Ghost for guidance and follow that guidance. I have a feeling that I still have many hard times in front of me and that I need to get myself spiritually ready. So here we go! The journey continues...

I Have Been Struck Down-October 6, 2008
In my last blog, I said that I have a God-needs-to-strike-me-down-if-I'm-going-in-the-wrong-direction attitude. Well, I find myself 'struck down' in a sense. I was planning on doing my last round of IVF this month. I was getting everything in order and then, suddenly, WHAM-O! I get pneumonia. I felt fine until last Saturday when I woke up with a cough. By Sunday, I was so sick I could hardly think straight. Suddenly plans change. I canceled my round of IVF with the doctor, canceled my drugs with the pharmacy, and now I'm drug-free (except for the two antibiotics running through my blood) and fancy free. The next available round of IVF will run into mid-January. I'll think about that when it gets closer.
As for other things, we've turned in our papers to the bishop to fill out. I have the other initial form ready to turn in tomorrow. I am going to walk into the adoption agency for the first time tomorrow. Wow! Wow! Wow! This is such a new world to me. I've been doing a lot of research about adoption, yet don't even know where to start with my questions. I'm excited and nervous all at once. I guess it's just one foot in front of the other and we'll see where this path will lead!

Baby Steps--October 11, 2008
Baby steps...literally. We've taken our first baby steps toward adopting a baby. I turned in the first application papers this week. I found the adoption agency without too much hassle...that's a good sign! I'm starting to get really excited about things. (It helps that I'm starting to get over my pneumonia too!) Hubbie and I will go to an orientation meeting in the beginning of November. So, I guess we just chill until then. I'm starting to have baby dreams again which I think is a good sign. I used to have baby dreams all of the time, but I think my mind subconsciously stopped allowing those dreams because it was sometimes too painful to dream about having a baby and then wake up to a silent, baby-less life. The fact that I'm having baby dreams again maybe means that my mind is opening up to the possibility that something is going to work and that my dreams can become a reality someday soon. Re-reading that sentence that I just wrote makes me think I missed my calling in life--I should have been a psychologist or something like that, I think! A couple of nights ago I dreamt that we had this beautiful dark-haired baby. I think the baby was a girl. She was asleep in the other room, and my husband and I kept going in the room just to look at her. It was like we couldn't believe she was really ours. I hope my dream was a vision of things to come! But for now, baby steps...

My Fortune in a Cookie-October 30,2008
My fortune cookie today said, "A miracle is on your horizon." Here's hoping. I could really use a miracle right now. Some unexpected and unavoidable expenses have come up recently, and now I'm not sure when we'll be able to do my next IVF cycle or if we'll be able to continue the adoption process right now. Money is just so tight, and I hate that making/getting a baby has become such an expensive experience. I hate that I feel like the miracle I want most in my life has dollar signs in front of it. But I guess I'll just have to keep giving what I do have-hope, faith, and endurance-and hope that that is enough in the end.

Dear Birth Mother...-November 8, 2008
So, we have an orientation meeting this Friday, our next step in continuing this process. I'm really excited to be moving forward.
One of the things that I've heard you need to do is write a letter to prospective birth mothers looking to place their baby for adoption. And I've been thinking about just what I would say. So, I just thought I would do a rough draft here, throw out some of my thoughts and feelings, and start thinking about just what I want to say to the woman who will carry my baby for me for nine months, and then give that child to me.
First, how do you start. Dear birth mother? Dear Wonderful Woman? Dear Person?
Then what to say?
I think it takes a lot of courage and that it must be one of life's most difficult decisions to place your baby up for adoption. I can't imagine how hard that decision must be. So many factors-how your family feels about it, what your friends think, what's best for you, what's best for the baby, how the father feels about it, what your heart is telling you, what God's plan is for you, what the spirit is saying to you. And there are probably so many emotions-heartache, fear, shame, guilt, disappointment, hope, faith, love...In a nutshell, what is the right thing to do? And no one can make that decision except you. No pressure. I think you're courageous, and I wish I could just wrap my arms around you in a big hug and tell you that I have confidence in you and that I know with God's help, you'll know what to do and that everything is going to be okay for you. But I also have to be honest and say that I hope that the answer is to put your baby up for adoption. If not, that's okay, but I still hope. Because I can't have babies. My aunt once told me that I have a mommy's heart and that I'm a mom; I just don't have a baby yet. I know those emotions of heartache, fear, shame, guilt, disappointment, hope, faith, and love. And I know what it's like to spend so many hours praying and pleading with Heavenly Father. And right now, I'm just hoping that maybe we can be the answers to each others' prayers. I am learning more and more everyday that God truly does move in mysterious ways. How I think things should be done, isn't always how God does things, but I do know that the way God does things is always better than how I would have done them! I know that God has a family waiting for me, to be raised and loved in my home. I know that I will be a mommy someday, and I know that, while I will make mistakes, I will be pretty good at it. Everything I have done in my life, I've done in training to be a good mother.
I'm a letter writer and a picture taker, I can keep you updated as little or as much as you would like. Just let me know.
I feel like the little kid on the playground as teams are being chosen. I'm the one jumping up and down and shouting, "pick me! Please, pick me!" Is there anything that stands out about me? Anything that makes me worthy to raise your child? Not really. I'm just an ordinary (if not sometimes a little quirky) person who will love your child with all of my heart. And I'm just a girl who has faith that if this is the right thing for both of us and for the baby, God will direct our paths and touch our hearts, and we will know.
I don't know you. I've never met you. I've probably never even passed you on the street. But I already feel such love and appreciation to you for reading this letter, for taking a minute to consider me as a possible adoptive mother of your child. I've added you and all of the other young mothers like you, to my prayers--you can never have too many prayers being said for you!

How do you end a letter like this? Sincerely...With regards...Yours truly...Love...
Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts. It's very rough draft. I'll keep thinking and praying about it. For being a wordy person with a lot to say, I'm having a hard time finding the right words to say the unsay-able. How do you ask someone to give you her baby? How would I ever thank someone for giving me her baby?

Orientation-November 22, 2008
Well, we went to the orientation meeting. Some friends who have been through this process warned us that it might be a little discouraging, but Hubs and I agreed that we actually felt really encouraged in what we're doing. It just feels right! One of the things that I really liked is when one of the other couples asked how long it usually takes for an adoption to take place, the adoption services lady responded that there are certain things (like the mounds of paper work) in the hands of the couple, certain things in the hands of the case workers and the adoption agency, certain things in the hands of the birth parents, but overall, it's all in the hands of Heavenly Father. That this is just another way for Heavenly Father to get babies to the families that they're supposed to be in. You can't really put a time-line on that.
So, I've begun all the paperwork. It's so good to have something to do right now. I'm not saying my life isn't crazy hectic busy, but in the trying-to-start-our-family part of my life, I was feeling like we were kind of at a stand still. It's good to be doing something, to have something that I have even just a little control over-even if it's just writing my name down on a piece of paper and addressing envelopes. And it's been nice to reflect on Hubs and myself-our relationship, how we met, how we've grown from the beginning, what we're doing to prepare ourselves to be parents. I've enjoyed reminiscing over our past and planning our future.
We also met with our case worker. She is an intern and is so nice. She is friendly and up front about things, and I think she's a great match for working with Hubs and I. So, onward we go!
Today this friend of Hubs and me showed me some pictures of a baby he and his wife are adopting from Ethiopia. He is such a beautiful baby. And somehow the fact that we're looking into adoption just came tumbling out of my mouth and then this other friend heard and asked me about it later. Hubs and I have been kind of trying to keep it on the down low-we want to surprise our family and friends with the good news and not make them go through all the hard times too AND we want to avoid all the well-meaning but annoying questions (Have you heard anything yet? How's the adoption going?). I haven't even mentioned anything to my parents. I think we kind of got this way after the first round of IVF. Our first round of IVF, we told everyone (well, I told everyone), and we had family fasts and prayers and I showed everyone the pictures of the two embryos that we implanted. And then it failed. Everyone was so supportive and loving and comforting. But it was so devastating in itself, and it was even harder to let everyone know that it didn't work. One, I hated confirming the failure over and over again, and two, I knew that it hurt their hearts too and that hurt me even more. So the next couple of rounds that we did, we didn't really tell anyone. Well, I told some people just because I am a social creature by nature and have to talk things out with someone other than Hubs sometimes. Hubs has always been very supportive and has been my strength in all of this, but sometimes a girl needs to pour her heart out to her girlfriends. And sometimes I just have to vent to whomever is around me in that moment. Anyway, not telling everyone made it a little easier when we got the bad news. Hubs and I would retreat for a day and cry together and then bolster each other to face the next day and then the next and then the next. And it was much easier to refer to the failures much after the fact: "Oh yeah, by the way, we did another round of IVF a couple of months ago and didn't work. Just thought you should know." And by then I was able to be strong for others and help them through the bad news. With this adoption journey, Hubs and I are kind of torn in when we want to break the news. We were saying the other day, wouldn't it be cool if no one really knew and we got a baby and told everyone to come over because we have some exciting news, and out I walk with-SURPRISE-our new baby...
But then we also realize the need for the love and support of our family during this process. So many times I've wanted to just tell my parents, "Hey, by the way, Hubs and I are trying to adopt." Because I would love to have my family on board with preparing for having a baby and what not. And those extra prayers and fasts never hurt...
Who knows? The jury's still out on this one.

Trudging-January 22, 2009
So we're still trudging along through the process. There is so much paperwork! I thought I would have the paperwork done in a couple of days. I'm more realistic now. Questionnaires, background checks, more questionnaires, financial reports...I'm glad that this process is the way that it is for the safety and welfare of the children being adopted, but I just wish I could get through it more quickly! I have to say that some of the questionnaires that Hubs and I have filled out have turned out to be nice sentimental journeys for us. It's given us the opportunity to go down memory lane of our own childhoods, to look at our families and what we love about them, and to look at our own relationship. It's been nice analyzing our relationship-how we met, what made us fall in love with each other, what our strengths and weaknesses are. I'm really trying not to get so focused on the destination that I don't enjoy the journey. And so far, the scenery hasn't been too bad!

It's funny but when you're going into adoption, you start to pay attention to adoption related things much more closely. For example, there have been so many times that I've met someone or there are some people that I already know, that I wish would have placed their child for adoption. An eighteen-year old girl in our ward has a beautiful 5-month-old boy, and, while I'm happy for her, I still also wish she would consider adoption. Or there is this really cute 5-year-old little girl that is currently being raised by her grandparents, and I have dreams that Hubs and I have adopted her. Or, sadly, I'm a middle school teacher and know of a couple of girls who are pregnant. And it's funny how adoption just keeps coming up. When Hubs and I first started thinking about adoption, we were praying and fasting whether it was the road for us. Then it was like the Lord had adoption signs all over the place (like Road Work Ahead signs in Utah, they were everywhere!). Songs on the radio, our home teacher tells us that he's adopted and about his experiences, Hub's cousin starts talking to us about adoption (she's adopted two boys), TV shows, friends, and the best example-We're at a Brad Paisley concert and Rodney Atkins is opening for Paisley. Right in the middle of his concert, Rodney Atkins stops and talks about how his parents adopted him and of the great impact that that has had on his life and then he encourages anyone who might be considering adoption to do it because you could really change the life of someone.

We also have some friends that are leaving next week to go to Ethiopia to pick up their little baby boy that they're adopting. We went out to dinner with them last week, and it was neat to get to be a part of their excitement. They have pictures of the little boy, and he is absolutely adorable! It's crazy (and frustrating) because there are so many babies and children in the orphanages that need good homes, but it's so expensive and there is so much red tape to adopt from there. Our friends have had to wait over 6 months since they knew which little baby they were going to adopt. They were approved, but had to go through all of the legal procedures while 6 months of their baby's life went by. But their on their way within a few days and will very soon be meeting the newest member of their family. So exciting! I'm extremely happy for them!

Getting There-January 28, 2009
We're getting there, slowly but surely. I just attended a panel tonight on foster care. It was really interesting. I often feel that that's a road Hubs and I are supposed to take someday. There were three different couples there tonight who spoke of the trials and challenges of foster care, but also the blessings and joy. One couple was very honest and said that you would get your heart broken. The state really tries to bring families together and to return children to their biological families as much as possible, so it is very possible that you could get really attached to a child and then have to let them go. They talked about how hard that is but how you heal. I also liked how they said that the best way to get through it all is to have faith that what is meant to happen will happen-whether it's returning a child to his/her family or having them become part of your family. I was really impressed with the couples. I think it would take a certain strength, patience, and love. I would really like to look into foster care someday, but as I drove home tonight, I had the feelings that foster care isn't quite the road to take now, but maybe someday. There is so much good that you can do for children through foster care, I hope to have that opportunity one day.

So we've got most of our paperwork done now. We've got a rough draft of our birthmother letter and some possible collages. Our online work is almost all the way completed. Today we had our home study with our case worker. I was so nervous for some reason. I think when I'm nervous I talk way too much, so I was babbling like crazy today. Our case worker is so sweet though. She answered our questions, looked over our paperwork with us, and took a tour of the house. In a situation like this, you start to notice every little imperfection about your home. It was crazy! Hubs says I'm just paranoid and that our house is just like every other house out there, but how could he miss the cobweb in the corner?! But, despite my anxieties, it seems to have all gone really well. Now we just need to attend an adoption class and wait for approval. I can't wait!

So here's something random, Hubs had the idea to go on the It's About Love website and type in our criteria to see what adoptive couples came up. So I did, and, as I was scrolling down the page, all of sudden there was this guy who was one of my good friends my first year of college (and on whom I had a secret crush for the longest time). It was so weird to see a familiar face. I almost wish I could contact him and his wife (who I've also met) and wish them luck or something. Or say, "Hey! I'm doing this too! How's it going for you?" Anyway, I just thought it was so interesting with all the couples there that I would find an old friend!

Thoughts

2009-03-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

I got this in an email today and liked it, thought I would share. (By the way, I took the picture shown above, and I am so proud of my amazing photography skills to capture not one, but two beautiful butterflies in this photograph!) =)

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never
did.'

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing
you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

'The will of God will never take you
where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

Exciting News-A New Family Member!

2009-03-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

I am happy to announce that hubbie and I recently adopted a new family member--pause for suspense and anticipation...Gus! We came across the opportunity to take in this adorable, dark-brindle, 13 week old English Mastiff. He is so cute and absolutely, 100% puppy. Gimli wasn't too sure what to think of him at first. We took Gimli to go look at the puppy because if they didn't get along, it wasn't going to happen. They played and had so much fun. Then we loaded up the puppy in the car to take home. Suddenly Gimli was like "I wouldn't have played with him if I had known he was coming home with us!" And Gimli wasn't too happy because one of the puppy's boxes was on his seat in the car and the puppy got to ride up front because there wasn't room for him, his stuff, and Gimli in the back. So, at first, Gimli was kind of cold to Gus. He tried to ignore him as much as possible. But he's warmed up to him. Gimli has taken on the role of big brother and has this 'no-one-picks-on-him-except-me' attitude. And Gus idolizes Gimli-he follows him everywhere he goes and mimics him. It's cute. Except the other day we got some late-winter snow (hopefully the last of it for this season) and Gus was frolicking and romping through the snow having a good time until Gimli bull-dozed him then used his paws to roll Gus through the snow until he was a little puppy-snowball. What Gimli doesn't understand is that while he is around 125 lbs., Gus's dad was 180 lbs. and Gus is going to be really, really big very soon.
Anyway, it's been nice having some puppy-love in the house. We're so excited! And if you don't hear from me for awhile, it's because puppy-training is a 24 hour job!

Sounds like Life to Me

2009-02-27T13:12:00.000-08:00

So the other day I was driving home from work after a fairly stressful day. My head was spinning with what I had to do that day, what I didn't get done, what I still needed to do, what went wrong...and this song came on the radio. The chorus really stuck out to me as a reminder that all of this is what life is. I think sometimes I get so focused on the ups and downs of life that I forget that it's the ups and downs of a roller coaster that make it a ride. If a roller coaster just went straight with no risks, no thrills, would anyone stand in line for that? With that in mind, I'm going to start enjoying the ride more!
Here's the lyrics to the song Sounds Like Life to Me:
( Darryl Worley, Wynn Varble, Phil O’Donnell )
Got a call last night from an old friend’s wife
Said I hate to bother you
Johnny Ray fell off the wagon
He’s been gone all afternoon-
I know my buddy so I drove to Skully’s
And found him at the bar
I said "hey man, what’s going on?"
He said "I don’t know where to start-
Sarah’s old car’s about to fall apart
And the washer quit last week
We had to put momma in the nursing home
And the baby’s cutting teeth
I didn’t get much work this week
And I got bills to pay."
I said, "I know this ain’t what you wanna hear
But it’s what I’m gonna say...
(Chorus)
Sounds like life to me,
it ain’t no fantasy
It’s just a common case of everyday reality
Man, I know it’s tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
It sounds like life to me."

Well his face turned red and he shook his head
He said, "you don’t understand
Three kids and a wife depend on me
And I’m just one man
To top it off I just found out
That Sarah’s 2 months late."
I said, "hey bartender set us up a round
We need to celebrate!"

(Chorus)
Sounds like life to me,
plain old destiny
Yeah the only thing for certain is uncertainty
You gotta hold on tight just enjoy the ride
Get used to all this unpredictability
Sounds like life...
Man, I know its tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
Sounds like life to me
Sounds like life

Regrets

2009-02-07T17:36:00.000-08:00

Early this morning, a little before 7:00 a.m., I was in the hospital room as my uncle took his last breath. My brother called me a little before midnight the previous night that my uncle had been taken to the hospital, and that it didn't look good. My uncle has stage 4 melanoma cancer that started in his right arm and quickly spread through out his body. He tried several treatments, including some very harsh chemotherapy, but eventually the doctors began talking of quality of life rather than length. I realized today that my uncle, my dad's only brother and the baby of a family of 6 children, was only 9 years older than me. Most of the family spent the entire night by his bed, none of us really sleeping for fear that he would slip away when we weren't looking. He fought a great battle last night, struggling with every breath to breathe one more time. He was in a coma, the entire time, since he was being kept on morphine and because of the many blood clots rupturing in his brain. I was intrigued and frightened to watch the death process happen in what seemed slow motion as his body began to systematically shut down. I've never actually been in the room when someone has died. I've seen the last struggle to continue breathing as I watched my grandparents die, but have never been in the room when a person takes one last, struggled breath, and then silence. What surprised me was in that few seconds of silence as we waited to see if he would draw another breath, I felt such an overpowering force of love that I knew that my uncle had just been welcomed into the arms of a loving brother and Savior. It was just a few seconds, but what a powerful feeling of love! A love that confirmed to me that the old cliche 'he's in a better place now' really is true. The heartbreaking thing is that he leaves behind an 18 year old and 15 year old son. My uncle was divorced and the younger son ended up closer to his mom (they just returned here from living in Germany for a few years), but my uncle is extremely close to his older son. They have got through the tough times in life together and have been best friends. As someone noted today, my cousin not only lost his father but his security, his best friend, his everything today. My cousin has some difficulties-I think some anxieties disorders or something. Although he will graduate from high school this spring, he is still so young mentally and emotionally. Fortunately, my parents are going to take him in, and I know that they will take good care of him.

Anyway, my aunts asked me to put together a slideshow for his funeral. At some time last night I heard someone mention that my uncle had an account on MySpace. So, just a little bit ago, I looked him up to try to get an idea of the style of the slideshow and what music he liked. I have been estranged (is that the right word?) from my uncle for a long time, and right now I'm feeling such guilt. Reading his profile and looking at his favorite things and reading his blog, I realize how much we have in common and how many things we could have talked about and enjoyed together. Opportunities missed. What really broke my heart was on the blog entry in October when he announced his diagnosis with cancer, there were no comments. No encouragement to be strong, no sympathy...nothing. Now I realize that I can't be aware of every blog out there or anything like that, but I wish someone would have. And I wish I could have found that opportunity to reach out to him.

So, I guess, to close this entry, I'll just end with a few words for my Uncle:
First, I know you made some mistakes.
I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago.
Know that I really do love you.
And I'm sorry I waited so long to say that.

Infertility in the Media

2009-01-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

So I've noticed lately that there seems to be more and more infertility on TV. I think there's pros and cons to this. Pro-finally infertility is beginning to 'come out of the closet' and not be seen as something to be ashamed of. It gives a little bit of balance to Hollywood's baby craze of recent years. Con-sometimes it's kind of hard to watch people dealing with infertility on TV when you're living it everyday. And sometimes when infertility isn't dealt with realistically, it tends to make me kind of angry. For example, one of my favorite shows is Ghost Whisperer. Sidenote: Hubbie isn't generally very much into television while I am very much into watching TV. Generally, he doesn't watch shows with me, but every once-in-awhile I can get him to watch the Ghost Whisperer with me-mainly because he thinks Jennifer Love Hewitt is hot and she often runs around scantily clad while talking to ghosts. I'm not sure if this is a win situation, but I do get to cuddle with Hubbie and watch my fave show, so I guess I'll accept my losses and move on!
Anyway, back to infertility and the Ghost Whisperer. So Melinda (Hewitt) and her husband have finally decided to try to start a family. For the first few seasons, Melinda wasn't too keen on having children-she had some unresolved issues, one of which was how to deal with seeing dead people and having a baby at the same time. But then they started to try and get pregnant but were having difficulties. Then all of a sudden, in one of the episodes, Melinda finds out that there is a pill that she can take that will make it possible for her to have a baby. So after that episode, I felt a little angry with the writers because they made it too easy. And I worried that maybe some other women dealing with infertility would get more frustrated with their situation because it wasn't that easy. I know, I know, it's just a show, but these are the things that go through my mind (to think I watch TV to relax. Ha!). So this is what I was thinking, and I was getting ready to give up my Ghost Whisperer addiction, but then I decided to give it one more chance and in the next episode, they kill off Melinda's husband. Then I was extremely angry because just when things were going to get better for her, she was going to be able to have a baby...it was a low blow. And then I was fuming. She's been dealing with dead people's problems for years now and then infertility and then they kill her husband?! Why do they have to be so hard on the poor girl? Have the writers no mercy? If you haven't figured it out by now, I think I'm a nutcase. These are truly the thoughts that go through my head at any given moment...sad.

Let us move on to other examples of infertility in the media. The Practice deals with quite a few infertility issues since that's what some of the doctors do on that show. But I don't watch that show very often...it's up against another show that I love. And I've heard that on a certain soap opera there's been a some different infertility issues with some of the characters. I've just heard this from a friend of a friend, mind you. I would never waste my time watching that mindless, trashy stuff. Though if I did occassionally catch a couple of hours, I would have to admit that I find Sonny from GH very sexy...or so my friend of a friend thinks, anyway.

Well, the other day I was watching another one of my addictions, ER, and they have one of the doctors going through infertility. She lost a young child a few years back and she and her husband have just begun to try to have a baby. Because she is older, her chances were pretty slim, so she decided to go with IVF. This past week she went through the egg retrieval. It was heart wrenching because she told her husband that if it was bad news she wanted to hear it from him. And so just when she wakes up from the anesthetics, her husband comes and holds her and breaks the news to her that the retrieval was unsuccessful. The acting was incredible-I recognized the pain she was portraying. I know that hurt. I had to remind myself, again, that it's just a show so that I wouldn't do something crazy like send a letter of condolesences, a tub of icecream, and giant stuffed animal off to Angela Bassett (the actor who plays Dr. Banfeld).

Anyway, now you know what's in my head. I could go on and on. I haven't even touched on movies yet...Baby Mama...Juno...but I think I'll call it a night!

New Year's Resolution 1032: Be a Better Blogger.

2009-01-14T15:29:00.000-08:00

Wow...I just noticed that it has almost been a month since my last entry. I have many excuses, but no reasons really. Every year I forget how crazy December and January can be for me. I had so many wonderful things I was going to write too. I had Christmas carols for the infertile...

Have yourself a very fertile Christmas...

I'm dreaming of a fertile Christmas,
Just like the ones the other girls know...

To name a few. I had rantings and ravings about this and that. I wanted to write poetry and inspirational stuff. But, alas, time flew by and here I am too tired to really remember what I wanted to write about when I began this entry a few minutes ago. Oh well.
As for the baby-front: I'm trying to decide whether or not I should do another laparoscopy. I'm planning on doing my 4th and final round of IVF this summer and really want everything to be in tip top shape. And my periods have been getting more and more painful like they were in the past. If I decide to do it, I should probably do it soon so that I'll be ready for the summer. But then part of me remembers the last time...the worst part is the gas they fill you up with. And I remember the first time I woke up at home and tried to use the bathroom...not a pleasant memory. And then I feel a little guilty because my poor husband sacrifices so much. For example, he has this dumb broken tooth that he keeps putting off getting fixed because I tend to use up all the money for my medical bills. But then I think that if this is really going to be my last try at IVF, I really want to know that I did everything in my power to make things work. Maybe I should just talk to my doctor and see what he thinks...
For now I think I just need to go to bed.

Be Nice, Infertile Myrtle! Be Nice!

2008-12-19T15:21:00.000-08:00

The crazy, bitter Infertile Myrtle of yesterday has now left the building. Children, it is safe to come out of hiding now...
Like I said, I figured I would be over it soon enough, and I am. And actually I have been taught a lesson. See, after my ranting and raving yesterday, I went to bed. Hubbie had already gone to bed and was completely hogging the covers. (Generally, I'm the one hogging the covers, so I'm not holding this against him)! Being a sometimes-good person and seeing how cute Hubbie looked snoring away all wrapped up in 4-layers of blankets (a 4-layer dip, haha), I decided to make do with this little blanket I affectionately call my woobie. Apparently, some time in the middle of the night however, I found myself freezing cold, didn't feel like a good person anymore, and Hubbie wasn't looking so cute, so I attempted to reach over and steal away some of the covers. Well, as I was trying to steal the covers, somehow I managed to pinch a nerve or something which actually caused me to yelp in pain. Then when I woke up in the morning I discovered that it had gotten worse. Now trying to hold anything heavier than 2 ounces causes this spot just under my right shoulder blade to throb with pain or also doing anything small with my right hand (like brushing my teeth or hair, or even typing) also causes sharp pains in that spot. And I can't run around flapping my arms like a bird. I don't know how I possibly could have caused such damage by just trying to steal a blanket or two, so my conclusion is that this is punishment for the mean things I said yesterday. Lesson learned: Being mean is literally a pain in the neck!
But don't worry about me being in pain, dear readers, as long as I can still reach out and bring handfuls of the yummy treats to my mouth that neighbors and friends have given me so far, I'll be okay!

A Moment of Ranting and Insensitivity

2008-12-18T17:40:00.000-08:00

**I have edited/deleted much of this post. The bitter feelings that I previously expressed have been gnawing at my conscience. The person who I lashed out at didn't deserve the attack, and I'm sorry for the words I said and hope that I can be a better person from here on out!
I'm realizing that infertility is like a tiger. There are times when I think I've got it tamed and under control, and then there are times when it really shows its teeth and tries to eat me alive. Because a tiger, no matter how tame, is still a tiger after all. Sorry!

Bring It On!

2008-12-10T19:55:00.000-08:00

I realize that I haven't blogged for awhile. I would like to believe in my fantasy world that there are thousands of disappointed readers out there just waiting for my next blog entry, but in reality I know I'm the one who has really been missing it. =)
Well, life has been interesting. My poor dog, Gimli, is finally on the mends. It has been a month and a half saga for the poor guy-pain, a messy house, running home from work to let him out, multiple times during the night getting up to let him out, loads of laundry, weeks spent at the vet's, worry, and exhaustion. Hubbie and I have been walking around like zombies! And poor Gimli was getting the worst of it. A sad but funny story. A few weeks ago, Hubbie was really struggling with whether or not we had made the right choices in having Gimli get the operation(s). His problem was that we had spent all of this money and put the poor dog through so much and was it for our own selfish purposes or for the dog's best interests? He made a comment that Gimli wasn't the same dog anymore-he just mopes around the house; he's in pain; he's back and forth to the vet; and when was the last time he brought his bear to show us and play with or when was the last time he tried to climb up on our lap? Hubbie then said that maybe we should have just put him down in the first place. Well, during this conversation, Gimli was lying in the hall and heard the whole thing, and I truly believe he understood the whole thing. Hubbie had to go to a meeting, but when he got back a couple hours later, Gimli dashed for his bear and went loping up to Hubbie to show him the bear. Then later that night, at dinner, Gimli jumped up and tried to climb onto Hubbie's lap. It was as if Gimli were trying to say, "Hey! I'm still here! You better not even think of getting rid of me!" Finally, after more vet visits than I like to think about, a visit with a specialist, and more drugs than a pharmacy, Gimli is feeling and looking so much better. He's back to his old, mischievious, loving, in-charge self. And it's wonderful!
Now granted, some people might say, "He's just a dog! Why would you possibly go through so much for just a dog?" In fact, someone did tell me that I should have just put him down. But I just couldn't do it at this point in my life. I'll fully admit that because of my infertility and lack of children of my own, I have showered all of my motherly affections on my dog. However, I think more than that, I just needed to hold onto some kind of hope. I needed something that I was hoping for to just work out for me.
So, the past couple of months have been stressful. With Gimli being sick, and Hubbie had the flu at one point, and he's been stressed with school and work and life...and ever since I had pneumonia, I've never really gotten totally better. After I got over the pneumonia, I had all sorts of stomach problems and found out that the antiobiotics I had taken, caused me to get an intestinal infection. Then I caught a cold. And then I had this hacking cough for awhile. And now I still wake up with a sore throat every morning. What I really think would make me better is a Caribbean cruise, but at this point, I'll take a few days of some good old fashioned rest and relaxation! On top of all of this, my car broke down last week--and not one of those cheap fixer-uppers either. It got to the point where I was just feeling so worn down that I got a little Rambo-ish. I felt like shouting out, "Bring it on!" to life. "I can take whatever you dish out!" At that moment, I could have followed a fire truck driving to my house and discovered my home engulfed in flames and just thought, "Oh, well." But then I got to thinking that my trials really aren't half or even an eighth as bad as some of the trials that others are facing right now--loss of employment, losing one's home in foreclosure, terminal illness, homelessness, death of a loved one--and then I mended my ways, apologized to life, and decided that I was okay with the trials that I have. I remembered that life truly is a gift and that I better start appreciating it. It's so easy to get focused on my own problems and then they look so big and I lose perspective of just how wonderful and blessed my life truly is. Because I really do have it pretty darn good!
However, I do hope that no one in my family minds that they are all get macaroni necklaces or macaroni portraits for Christmas...

Making Lemonade out of Lemons

2008-11-16T19:03:00.000-08:00

This is our new and improved, million dollar, bionic dog. As you can see from his expression, Gimli does NOT like being a cone head. However, being a 'the-glass-is-half-full' kind of dog, Gimli decided to make lemonade out of life's lemons and put his cone-head to good use...
...raking leaves. The cone ended up being very useful in scooping up the leaves. Unfortunately, Gimli didn't quite understand the idea of making piles of leaves; he's more of a leaf-flinger. But I give him an A for effort and admire his good attitude. If only we could all be as optimistic as my dog!

This last picture is Gimli after a hard day's work. Even the most optimistic dog needs a break every now and then!

www.2ofus4now.org

2008-11-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

I just stumbled across this website: www.2ofus4now.org, and can I say I am just so impressed. I am definitely going to take some time to check all of this out! While looking at some of the links I found this poem that really hit me right at the heart. The author is unknown but whoever it was that wrote this really captured my feelings and really inspired me today. So here's the poem. Go to the website for more great inspiration and thoughts!

Wait
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, 'Child, you must wait'.
'Wait? You say, wait! ' my indignant reply.
'Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, 'You must wait.'
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
and grumbled to God, 'So, I'm waiting.... for what?'
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'WAIT.'

My Dog and My Country (sounds like a good country song...)

2008-11-08T09:36:00.000-08:00

I find the best time to blog is while doing laundry. With that statement in mind, you can see how often I do my laundry...judging by the piles of dirty clothes, not often enough, apparently! So, this week has been a whirlwind of adventures.
First, poor little Gimli is still at the vet! In the past two weeks, I've got to bring him home a couple of times but it has been like a scene from some gory horror show. I won't go into too much detail, just imagine blood everywhere. When Gimli has been at home, it has been rough. We won't let him leave his room, which, luckily, we recently switched over from carpet to laminate, because we don't want the rest of the house to look like his room. But Gimli likes to be near us, so when we're in the other rooms, he cries and cries and cries. Thus, I've spent a lot of time propped up against the washer, doing my school work or watching old episodes of my favorite shows on the Internet in Gimli's room. We've also done many loads of laundry cleaning towels and blankets and rotating out Gim's bedding. Also, Gimli has to wear the cone around his head which is the biggest cone they make seeing how his head is on the big side. To make matters worse (and funnier looking), they had to make it bigger by taping another XXX-L cone onto the first cone. My dog is receiving satelite communication from China! When Gimli tries to cuddle with me, I can fit both of my knees inside the cone under his chin and both arms and shoulders in the cone petting his head. I seriously think Gimli could completely scoop me up and go running off with me in tow. So, because of the bleeding thing, we've had to take Gimli back to the vet. Apparently, he has blood clotting issues. They were going to do some super-duper test yesterday to see what the problem might be. I just want my dog back. I'm starting to contemplate a plan to break Gimli out of vet-jail. If you see someone on the news tonight being arrested for attempting to break into a vetrinarian clinic and kidnap a dog, it might be me...By the way, no one has mentioned a bill yet. I'm hoping if I don't bring it up, they won't bring it up. Wishful thinking. Ideal situation-this is all covered under post-operation warranty and we don't need to pay any more. Non-ideal situation-they'll give us the bill and we'll have to pay up before we can get our dog out of hoc, and Hubbie and I will have to sell a kidney...Guess which situation I'm hoping for!
In other news, the plummeting economy has gotten a little too close to home for me. We have some good friends that have just hit really hard times. They are the nicest people. A young couple with two very young children (a 3 year old and a 1 year old). Just trying to raise their family and live their lives in the best possible way. The wife is a stay at home mom, but used to work in special education. The husband just lost his job. He had been thinking about looking for a different job for awhile now. He wasn't getting paid enough to make ends meet. But every time he would start looking, they would give him some promotion or make some promises, so he would stay, thinking things were going to get better. But they didn't. And now he is working in construction, which is bringing in some money at least, but doesn't have any benefits like health care. They're now facing foreclosure of their home and bankruptcy. It is so hard to see such hard times hit such good people. The husband is really struggling emotionally and spiritually because I think husbands tend to hang a lot of their worth on their ability to provide for their family, and he feels like he has failed. The wife is trying to stay positive and be strong for her family. And I'm not sure what we can do to help them. I wish my basement were a little bigger, I would totally bring them in to live with us. Even better, I wish I were a millionaire and could just buy their home for them as a tax write-off and a gift to them until they can get back on their feet again. Now when I hear and see things on the news about our struggling economy, the numbers have names and faces. And I feel broken-hearted and afraid. Are we heading toward another great Depression era? As a nation, how are we going to pull ourselves out of this?
In more political news, we had the great election this week. This presidential election has been really difficult for me. I am a voter--too many people have fought and sacrificed their lives for my right to vote, for me not to vote. And I've done research, so much research. But even as I approached the voting booth, I still wasn't 100% sure who I wanted to vote for. I have always had a clear-cut idea of who to vote for, but not this time. I liked where McCain stood for many of the issues, but I also liked where Obama stood for many of the issues. There were some very important issues, like education, where I didn't like where either of them stood. To be honest, if Biden were running for president, I think I would have voted for him. As vice-president I don't think he's going to have much influence, to be honest. I found McCain to gruff and harsh in some things, not able to see the big picture and not really offering real solutions. I found Obama too silver-tongued in some things, not able to see the big picture and offering some big promises to fix things that I'm not sure he really has a valid plan to back up these promises. In short, I didn't really like either of them. I was tempted to write-in myself or Donald Duck or something! But I did vote, I made a choice.
Here's what I would think the dream candidate would be like:
1. Right at the beginning of his (or her) campaign, he would send each voter a clear cut, no mis-understandings, chart of where he stands on each of the important issues. It would sound something like this: I am against __________________, or I am for ________________, and if he really wasn't sure, he could just say, I'm not really sure until I look into it further.
2. Each candidate and politician for that matter should research the issues more dilligently. If the issue is the war in Iraq and what to do, that person is meeting with millitary leaders, soldiers serving in Iraq, soldiers recently returned home from Iraq, families of soldiers, families who have lost loved ones in the war, protestors against the war, protestors for the war, etc. This isn't a one time visit either. The candidate is researching history-what worked, what didn't work. The candidate is doing all in his power to see every angle of the situation and trying to arrive at the best possible solution. For example, when No Child Left Behind was passed, I'm not sure legislators were doing a lot of talking with teachers, maybe with education lobbyists and union leaders; but why not walk into a school right there in Washington D.C. and talk to the teachers, the administration, the students. I don't think any teacher would have looked at NCLB and the way it is set up, and said, "that's a great idea! It's a totally realistic plan for the classrooms of America!" Before making decisions that affect education, candidates and legislators need to be talking to teacher unions, to teachers themselves, to education professors at universities, to administrators, to parents, to students, to anyone who might be affected by the decisions you are trying to make.
3. I would love an honest politician. If a politician said, "I've got to be honest, our economy is in the crapper, and I'm going to have to raise taxes by X amount. However, I have a laid out plan and can show you exactly where and what your money will go to and how it will help improve things," that candidate would have my vote. I just want to know the truth, and I want to know that the person making decisions that affect my everyday life and the American dream as a whole, is realistic, innovative, and honest.
4. I would love a candidate who could look past party affiliations and just make good decisions. If it's the other party's idea, but it's a good idea, who cares? I just wish politicians could get past the politics of things!!
Anyway, there you have it, my political rant. Don't even get me started on all of the issues arising with Proposition 8. That is a whole other political debate that I'm not ready to step into yet. The last thing I want to say though about all of this is that, whether or not I voted for Obama, he has now been elected by a majority as president, and I will support him as such. Too many people are making silly threats, wanting to move to Canada, etc. So, I'll just end with some good patriotic quotes:

What do we mean by patriotism in the context of our times? I venture to suggest that what we mean is a sense of national responsibility ... a patriotism which is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime. --Adlai Stevenson

Some men see things as they are and say, "Why?" I dream of things that never were and say, "Why not?"--George Bernard Shaw

Unless our conception of patriotism is progressive, it cannot hope to embody the real affection and the real interest of the nation.--Jane Addams

Patriotism is proud of a country's virtues and eager to correct its deficiencies; it also acknowledges the legitimate patriotism of other countries, with their own specific virtues. The pride of nationalism, however, trumpets its country's virtues and denies its deficiencies, while it is contemptuous toward the virtues of other countries. It wants to be, and proclaims itself to be, "the greatest," but greatness is not required of a country; only goodness is.--Sydney J. Harris

My Poor, Little Gimli

2008-10-25T14:22:00.001-07:00

I'm just getting back from visiting Gimli. It's like I have a family member in the hospital...visiting hours are from 9:00 to 1:o0...Gimli's doing really well. Yesterday I ended up taking him from the emergency vet to his regular vet. (By the way, yesterday was the most stressful day I've had in a long time-not only was I stressed and worried about my dog, but all this political stuff at school was exploding and there was this mess that I had to try to fix.) They ended up doing the surgery. Poor Gimli got fixed and also now has a new place to pee from. But the vet says that everything went really well and that he should heal up and be just fine. I visited him yesterday, but he was just coming out of surgery and was awake but really dopey. But today when I went to visit him, he was more himself. He jumped up and licked my face, and I got to take him for a walk and everything. He was more his old self again and just looked like he was feeling so much better (granted, if I had gone through what he went through, I'd be out for a month at least). He'll stay at the vet's until Monday, and if all goes well, we can bring him home. I can't wait. This house is so lonely without him. It was so bad that I actually had to cuddle with Hubbie yesterday...=) But I keep looking for Gimli around every corner or listening for the click-clack of his toe nails on the kitchen floor or I think he's lying in the hallway. I miss him! I am so thankful that he is doing better, and that we still have him with us. Now, some people might think, "he's just a dog." He is so much more than a pet, he's my friend and my kiddo, and personally I think he has more personality and more compassion than some people I've encountered in my life!
On a frustrated note-miracles don't come without a price. Hubbie and I almost had a heart attack when we got the vet bill. Now I'm embarrassed to say how much we're paying for Gimli to get better, but suffice it to say, we spent less money to buy my car (granted, it's a used car but still). So here's the problem. With me having pneumonia earlier this month, and Hubbie's had the flu and needed medicines and his school tuition is coming up due, and now with Gimli's doctor bill, we're broke. Really broke. I'm not sure we're going to have the money to do another round of IVF in the next few months. I don't know, we might have to put it off again. We'll have to see, but it's definitely discouraging. I thought I handled the first hitch in the giddyup with great patience and understanding (wouldn't you agree?), but I'm not sure if I can be so patient and understanding over and over again! And there's nothing we could do about being sick. And was it worth it for my dog? Seeing him run around today and then basking in the sun with his head on my lap-yeah, without a doubt. I hate money! Or I hate the lack of money! The next time there's a sign up for which life trial I want next, I'm signing up for being filthy rich. I know it's a very difficult trial to be filthy rich and not become arrogant or discompassionate to those with less wealth, but I'm willing to try the rich thing! Sometimes it's hard for me to understand why there has to be a price on life-my dog's life, my future children's lives. Nothing comes free in this world, does it? Oh well, I make it sound like my life has been so rough. It really hasn't. I've had it good, just needed to vent. However, the first presidential candidate that says he's going to give me a million bucks, I'm voting for him. Hear that Obama? Hear that McCain? If you really want my vote, you know what to do!

Holding onto a Doggie Hope

2008-10-23T22:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had the experience where you're just walking through life, minding your own business, and then suddenly you run into Death and you're looking at him, face to face? And somehow, in some way, you narrowly get around him, holding your breath, praying that he will let you pass without harm. And you make it; you're able to continue on life's journey, but you're changed in the process. Suddenly those small moments that you hardly noticed become so important. You realize how much you've taken for granted in your life. And you come to realize that every day, every minute we balance on a steep mountainside of it-could-always-get-worse or it-could-always-get-better, and you see how unsure your footing really is.
I don't even know how to begin tonight or what to entitle this entry. A completely average day went completely downhill at around 5:00 p.m. I went to work as usual, same old, same old. I came home around 5 to pick up my dog and go get Hubbie from the airport. It's Gimli's favorite ride-going to get dad from the airport. Well, when I went to let him out of his room (yes, my dog has his own room), his door was already wide open and he was nowhere to be found. I looked in my bedroom, found some doggie throw up but no dog. I called for him, no response. We have a baby gate up at the top of the staircase to keep Gimli out of the basement unsupervised, and it was still closed. I decided to check the basement just in case and just as I was about to the bottom of the stairs, here comes Gimli. I was so relieved to find him, but he was not looking good. I took him outside to use the bathroom and he was shaking as he walked. His eyes were so droopy and he just looked so miserable. When I had to help my 120 lb. dog into my car, I knew something was really wrong. And then he started breathing really shallow, like he was in pain. I didn't know what to do. I was supposed to pick up my husband at the airport in 10 minutes, and with the current traffic, it would take me 25 minutes. Gimli needed to get to a vet...I almost didn't go get my husband, but decided to go get him and then the two of us took Gimli to the vet. After some X-rays, we discovered that our dog had stones in his bladder so bad that everything was plugged up and his bladder was the size of a kickball and the vet couldn't get a catheter in to drain the bladder.
A few hours later, we were saying good-bye to our dog, leaving him with the vet, not knowing if we would get to see him again. The options were an extensive surgery if his bloodwork was good, or, if the tests showed that his kidneys had shut down, we would have to put him down. And he was looking at me with his big, brown eyes that seemed to plead to me, "please, make this stop hurting. Make it go away." He was doped up but still in so much pain. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do to walk out of that room and leave him there, knowing how much he was suffering and not knowing if I would ever get to cuddle with him again.
Then we had to just wait for the doctor to call and let us know the diagnosis. That's when the pleading really began. Please, God, I have tried to face all of my obstacles as You would have me do. Please, please don't take my dog. This whole experience has been so much harder than the failed IVF cycles and the whole infertility thing because I realize that on those bad days, when I've gotten that call to let me know it didn't work, I've always had my husband and my dear, sweet dog to get me through it. And I started thinking of all those times that Gimli has curled up on the love sac with me and licked my tears away or just stayed close to me to make sure that I'm okay. And I couldn't imagine my house empty and Gimli-less. He's my little guy, my kid-so much more than just my dog. It might sound corny, but Hubbie and I are always saying things like how Gimli takes after Hubbie with his big head and stubbornness and how he takes after me in his clutziness. And my husband always says, "He's my buddy, but he loves my wife." My mom calls him her grand-dog and shows pictures to all she meets, just like a grandma should. And I got to feeling like after everything we've gone through and are going through, I just don't know if I could take losing Gimli. I know that I would make it through somehow, but I just love him so much. And I know that it's inevitable to lose a pet, or a loved one for that matter, but not now, not so unexpectedly, not Gimli.
So we waited and we prayed and we waited and we prayed. Finally, we broke down and called the vet. Good news-his bloodwork looked good, so they would be able to do the surgery. A little while later, the vet called to report that after they had sedated Gimli, they were finally able to get a catheter in. The vet said that they're going to keep flushing fluid through him to blast out the stones and hopefully he won't need the surgery. So things are looking good at the moment. We'll see how things look in the morning-whether we'll need to do the surgery or not but for the moment we've brushed by Death, casually brushing elbows, and now life is changed. I will try to never take the good things in life-like a doggie who loves me no matter what and is always happy to see me when I come home-for granted again. And one thing is for certain, the rule of no dogs on the bed may just become obsolete. Thank you, God, for hearing my prayers. Please get me through this and please just keep listening and letting me know that you're there...

Infertility Nightmares...

2008-10-19T19:27:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was a good day. I did some blogging, cleaned my house a little (here and there when I wasn't on the computer), went out with my family to celebrate my little bro's birthday, ate some delicious Italian food, and ended the evening cuddling with my hubbie watching a movie (granted it was a total guy-show, but I enjoyed the cuddling nonetheless). All was well. Then I went to sleep and the dreaming began. At first it was this wonderful dream. I was in the hospital, having just had a baby. And she was beautiful with tiny wrinkled fingers and toes and lots of dark hair on her head. There were various happy scenes...my hubbie and I trying to decide on just the right name, family and friends coming to visit and see the new addition to our family, holding her..and then suddenly the dream turns into this nightmare. I begin to walk into my hospital room and overhear my husband talking to someone and saying that he's not sure how much longer he can afford to keep me at the hospital. So I walk into the room and tell him that the baby and I are fine and that we can go home at any time. It turns out that he was talking to my doctor, and they both give me this strange look. Then the doctor turns to me and tells me that I don't have a baby, that I never had a baby. And they show me my baby but it's just a doll. And I'm so confused because it was a baby, it couldn't have been a doll. And I'm told that I've had a nervous break down or something. Anyway, the dream went on from there but suffice it to say, I woke up in a serious funk. Since when do my dreams have so many twists and sub-plots? Sheesh! It has seriously taken me all day to shake off my silly dream. I guess there's just no rest for the infertile weary! I'm hoping that it was just from eating such a heavy meal too close to bedtime and not foreshadowing from my mind that I'm about to lose it! Maybe I can turn the idea into a movie and make some money off of it at least... =)

My School Report on Infertility

2008-10-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

I'm just enjoying a long weekend break from school...a four-day weekend. Yay! Finally some time to blog! =)
Well, first I wanted to share some things from blog land. I'm always out lurking and reading other's blogs. Finding strength, empathy, and that feeling of you're-not-alone-in-all-of-this in the words of others.
If you haven't been there yet I would strongly recommend checking out:
http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/ .
Melissa is the wonder woman of that blog and really does some amazing things, including an extensive blog roll with hundreds of blogs addressing all of the issues surrounding infertility, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, etc. Her personality shines through and, though I haven't really met her or communicated with her, I feel like she truly cares. She talks sometimes about the land of If (the land of Infertility), and I really like the idea of looking at it as a foreign land. It definitely comes with its own culture, language, etc.
Through this amazingly organized and very informative blog I found this blog:
http://lifefromhere.wordpress.com/2008/10/13/rough-patch/
The woman describes so eloquently how even the most simple things, the most treasured traditions, can turn to sorrowful reflections. She describes going with her husband to a local pumpkin patch. Here are some of her words but I would really encourage you to go check out her blog (she describes things so masterfully):

We walked through the patch, watching children play and giggle and babies with new legs romp through the field. We watched dads lift their kids up and into wheelbarrows for rides. We watched moms take pictures of their gorgeous families. We watched and we wondered. Would that ever be us?

At times like this, it’s really hard to imagine that we will ever have a child. One moment I think, of course we will, some day. It could be a year or more, and that thought is really hard. But then I realize it could be longer. It could be never. There is no guarantee we will ever get “picked.” We might not. We could end up like one of those bruised or mis-shapen pumpkins that no one chooses, the ones that get plowed under at the end of the season. There is just no way to know.

...

I think I longed for all of our children in that moment — the son who was taken from us, the children we will never have, and also that mythical child who may one day find his/her way to us through adoption. Each one of those aches its own unique pull.

As I walked back through that patch, I realized that something I normally enjoy had been tainted by our sorrow, swallowed by the gaping hole in our lives. Looking at all those happy families, all I could think was that should be us, too. Why isn’t that us? Will that ever be us? That may never be us. It was all just too much.

And lastly (for today anyway) I was reading this article about infertility recently, The psychological component of infertility by Patricia Mahlstedt, and found some things that were very interesting. Mahlstedt wrote about the different feelings and thoughts that people face with infertility-depression, loss, stress, anger, and guilt. What stood out to me is this:
"Who can mourn the loss of someone who has never been born or possibly conceived? The fact that there is nothing tangible to represent the loss actually intensifies the pain and makes the loss more difficult to understand."
Mahlstedt also writes that infertile couples have difficulty thoroughly and properly grieving because "they cannot really grieve the loss of parenthood, because they are still hoping it will happen; maybe next month they will achieve a pregnancy...Grieving during the infertility process is like the process of grieving over the death of a soldier who is missing in action as opposed to grieving over one who was killed. In both processes, there is nothing definite, and hoping enables peope to avoid the pain."
Sorry if this post is sounding like a school report today. I've just been finding a lot of interesting stuff on infertility and want to keep it handy for myself and for anyone who might be reading and could use the info. I feel like Mahlstedt put into words what I've felt before. I still have all of the pictures of the embryos that didn't stick, and how do you describe to someone the pain and mourning that takes place over 5-celled embryos or 3-celled embryos? Or the mourning and sorrow that comes from something that you can't see? I liked the comparison of grieving over a soldier who is considered dead because he is missing in action. It's like grief and hope are at a constant battle. There have been times when I've just wished I could have a flat out answer-No, you will never get pregnant or yes, it will happen someday. If it's no-I grieve, I cry, I move on. If it's yes-I keep trying no matter the time and no matter the obstacles. Sometimes the uncertainty is the hardest part. I have a hard time with maybe!

Plans change...

2008-10-11T14:09:00.000-07:00

Plans change and that's okay. I officially called the doctor's office and canceled my IVF. I would have started shots yesterday if I had been doing IVF this month and, to be honest, having pneumonia really takes a lot out of a person. It's been two weeks now since I got sick, and I'm still not 100% recovered. I'm mostly better (I've gone back to work and everything) but I still get tired easily and still have this cough going on. IVF just wasn't in the cards right now. I thought I would be more upset by this postponement but I actually feel good about things. It just wasn't the right time. Plus, this month has been really stressful on Hubbie, and I think he's kind of relieved too that we're not doing IVF. We'll maybe look at doing IVF Dec/Jan. This will give me some time to try (try being a key word) to get in better shape.
On a humorous/ironic note, two weeks ago when I was so sick with pneumonia, guess what life brings me? My first day of no 103 fever, my first day of actually getting up and moving around a little, my first day of solid food (and more than two bites at that), my first day of actually feeling like I might live and along comes the CRAMPS! And I'm thinking to myself, "No, it couldn't be...no, not that..." And I'm remembering how I read in this book about fertility and the female reproductive system that when someone is really sick or has had a really stressful month, that their body will many times skip their period that month. And I'm thinking that if I'm indeed starting my period, it's 2 weeks early. It couldn't possibly be my period...But, alas, it was. And my body didn't hold back-it was my menstrual cycle in all of its glory! In my mind, I picture my ovaries having a conversation that goes something like this:
Leftie: It appears all systems are going down.
Rightie: Respiratory?
Leftie: Not at full capacity. There appears to be a hacking cough and wheezing.
Rightie: Digestive?
Leftie: Down. We're looking at possible dehydration and malnutrition.
Rightie: Circulatory?
Leftie: Not working so well.
Rightie: So you're telling me that the body is sick and the other systems are not performing up to capacity? Those pansies...
Leftie: Correct.
Rightie: Well, we're going to show her that WE are not slackers. We're not going to let something like pneumonia takes us down. I want all systems go!
Leftie: Cramps? Bloating?
Rightie: I want it all! This will be our masterpiece, our finest performance.
Leftie: Aren't we a little early?
Rightie: Who cares about the date! The important thing is that we show her that we are capable of running a menstrual cycle NO MATTER WHAT! Now, move it! Move it! Move it!

By the way, I have a series of ovarian comic strips that I'll have to post someday. I picture my ovaries as very much alive and very much individual from the rest of my body!
Perhaps, at this point, you're wondering if maybe I have some mental issues...mostly just an over-active imagination!

A Hitch in the Giddy up

2008-09-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

I'm currently writing with a fever and hacking cough, so warning this blog may be contagious! Well, a hitch in the giddy up has arisen. Last Saturday I started to get really sick. It started out as extreme fatigue and a raspy cough. By Sunday, I made hubbie take me to an after-hours medical place. I had a fever of 103, couldn't keep liquids in me, was hacking up a storm, and was overall very miserable. That ended up being quite the traumatic experience. They wanted to put me on an IV to get me re-hydrated but after 3 different tries by 3 different people, including the doctor, which also included a lot of painful digging with a needle, they decided my veins were too dehydrated to find. I just wanted my fertility clinic nurses. They know my veins like no other! And they wouldn't have kept digging if they didn't get it in right in the first place. So they made me drink a glass of nasty water, gave me two shots in the bum (which I thought I could handle having done weeks of progesterone shots in the past), but the one antiobiotic shot stung like the Dickens and continued to hurt for a day. The doctor thought maybe I have strep/pneumonia and gave me an antibiotic (liquid because I can't swallow silly pills).

The next day I went to another doctor because I was still feeling awful and my cough was the worst problem and the other doctor hadn't really done anything for the cough. Well, this doctor had me do a breathing treatment and said that she thought I now have asthma. She did give me a wonderful cough syrup with codeine in it that makes me dream these crazy dreams though. And a couple of inhalers.
So, now I'm still not sure what I really have, but I have enough drugs to stock a pharmacy for a third world country. And I'm still miserably sick. This is my longest sitting up doing something in three days, and I think I'll go lie down as soon as I'm done. Anyway, so all of this kind of puts a hitch in my giddy up. I'm going to call the doctor's office today and postpone my round of IVF. I would do my last day of antibiotics the day before I begin doing shots for IVF otherwise. And I have this one traumatic thing for the body per month. I really want to be completely healthy when I begin IVF and this month just isn't looking good. Oh well, I was kind of dragging my feet anyway. Maybe this is just God's way of saying that it still isn't the right time yet. But maybe next time He could just send a postcard??

Infertility is...

2008-09-26T16:16:00.000-07:00

This is something that I found and thought it fit. I don't know who wrote it but can definitely relate to a lot of the things she wrote!
Infertility is...

Buying and reading books on baby care, and hiding them when company comes.
Wanting like crazy to "just look" in the baby section of the department store, but feeling so out of place.
Snapping at friends who ask innocent questions and not meaning to. I wish I could explain but...
Making love and suddenly realizing that the two of you will never make a baby this way and crying.
Seeing the cutest maternity top in the store window, but having no reason to buy it.
Trying to rejoice with your friends on her first (or third) pregnancy.
Being enemies with your own body.
Doctors-hating them, worshiping them.
Wondering if you will ever receive a Mother's Day card.
Picking a name for your baby, only to grow tired of it.
Always going to other people's houses for dinner because they would have to get a babysitter otherwise and it is so much convenient this way.
Falling apart. Getting hysterical. Am I losing my insanity?
Knowing (better than most) how conception happens, yet having to put up with stupid advice and crude jokes.
Redefining 'woman'-(yes, I am still one)!
Feeling empty and sad most of the time.
Sharing experiences with other infertile couples and finding comfort in that.
Wondering where God is.
Having an extra bedroom for guests and wishing it was a nursery.
Being afraid to take aspirin or do sit-ups.
Needing to grieve, but not really knowing how.
And then finally...
Coming to terms with your own infertility. Acceptance. Peace.
Feeling like a whole person again.
Not thinking about your infertility first thing in the morning.
Actually finding joy mixed in with the pain of Christmas-What a miracle.
Discovering life can be happy and satisfying without children or discovering that adoption is a positive way of enlarging your family.

I find that I am actually thankful for my own infertility. It has been a hard experience, but as I have struggled, I have grown. I have learned more about my Heavenly Father, and about being His child than I could have otherwise.
Like I said, I'm not sure who wrote this, but I can relate in so many ways. And I hope I'm on the way to coming to terms with infertility. And finding peace. Though, I have to admit, I'm not there yet!

Random Thoughts

2008-09-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, my thoughts are kind of all over the place today, so I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense! First off, the Today show did a special segment on infertility that I thought was pretty interesting. You can find it at Rethinking Infertility if you want to check it out. It really made me realize how vast and varied infertility really is. Every story is different and yet the heart of matter is always the same. Some of the things that stood out to me: In one of the video segments a woman said that if you want to be a parent it will happen someway, somehow. I firmly believe that. I have to believe that! It's going to happen one way or another. Not having a family is not an option! Whether it's this next round of IVF or adoption...it's going to happen for us.
Another woman talked about going through IVF and when she found out that she had finally succeeded she had two emotions, the first was pure joy and the next was sadness for all of the women who were getting that call right then that it didn't work out and she said, "it's an emotional rollercoaster." It's so true! I've found myself so attached to this network of women dealing with infertility and I want so much for each of them to realize their dreams of having a baby. Infertility is truly an emotional rollercoaster, one where you're not sure whether they've laid the tracks out before you or if you're going to plummet to the ground.
And just a touch of irony--one of the commercials on during the segments (I watched them on the web) was for Always maxipads. Their new slogan is "Every period a happy one, Always." Not the best advertisement to have during an infertility fest...just thought it was funny.
Next random thought. My faculty at school is going through the annual guess-who's-pregnant fest. It doesn't help that our vp and another teacher are both pregnant and due tomorrow. They both have the same due date, how crazy is that? And by the way, I'm not bitter toward either of them...one of the pregos is one of my best friends, and I'm completely happy for her. And why is that my hand is always just drawn to touch that bulging belly of hers? It's just so beautiful. I guess I just get a little down when all the talk is pregnancy talk and there's big guess-when-the-baby will come and name-the-baby posters hanging in the faculty lounge and there just doesn't seem to be anywhere to take a break from it all. You know the feeling where it seems like everywhere you look there are pregnant women or women with newborns. Well, to make matters worse, now there are all of these rumors flying around of who's pregnant now or who's going to be pregnant soon. Part of me doesn't want to be a part of the rumors because it's like salt in an open wound but then part of me would be offended if I wasn't part of the rumors, like I'm not good enough to be pregnant?!
And yesterday I had the stomach flu or food poisoning or something that made me completely miserable. I was exhausted, nauseated, couldn't keep anything in me, and felt just plain sick. I managed to drag myself through the school day and then just went home and slept and cried and slept. Then today I had two people ask me if I was sick yesterday because I was maybe pregnant. Nope, it was just meaningless sick, no good cause, just bad food probably. When will the day come when I can stop announcing my non-pregnancy? When can I be sick for a good reason? Some day...and believe me I'm not so naiive that I think that someday I will glory in the morning sickness and other woes of pregnancy. No, I probably won't wake up every morning puking and grinning from ear to ear about it. I'm sure I'll complain. But at least I'll always know that it's at least puking with a purpose. And I'll have a good excuse for being sick (a much better excuse than a sausage/pepperoni pizza). Is that so much to ask?
Anyway, sorry for being so random today. I realize I've probably been a trite negative too. I'll try to be more cheery next time! I just needed a little venting. I feel better already! And lest I forget, here's what I'm thankful for today: the technology that makes it possible for people who once thought it impossible to have children to finally have those children. Thank you technology!

Evidence that God lives and that He loves us

2008-09-13T10:25:00.001-07:00

Picture from:
http://blog.fatfreevegan.com/2007/04/its-beautiful-day-in-neighborhood.html

A child said, What is the grass? fetching it to me with full hands;
How could I answer the child?. . . .I do not know what it

is any more than he.

I guess it must be the flag of my disposition, out of hopeful
green stuff woven.

Or I guess it is the handkerchief of the Lord,
A scented gift and remembrancer designedly dropped,
Bearing the owner's name someway in the corners, that we
may see and remark, and say Whose?
-- Walt Whitman (Be not Afraid by Greg Olsen)

This blog has been in my head for a couple of weeks now, so I guess I better just get it written. A family that lives a couple of neighborhoods away from me, a family that I have never met, just lost their son in Iraq. I have driven by their house everyday on my work never knowing anything about the people inside. I didn't know that their son was a soldier fighting in Iraq until he was gone. The thing that really stopped me and got me thinking is this-the day after the family received the news, the neighbors, in tribute to the family and the fallen soldier, put up American flags in every yard and placed 21 flags like a 21 gun salute in the family's yard. Now when you drive down this street with the rows of flags, it is like a hall of honor for this man and his family. It touched my heart and continues to touch me as I drive past it each day. And it's got me to thinking about things. This family has probably said countless prayers for his safety while away and for the safe return of their son. And yet he's gone. What does that say about prayer? Does that mean that God didn't hear their prayers? Or does that mean that God doesn't love them?
I see that row of flags and that yard with 21 flags and I know the answers to those questions. I know that God exists. I've mentioned before how the very beauty of the world around us testifies that God exists. But does He truly love us and care about what is going on in our lives? Yes! God loves us and is aware of each of us. He loves us and wants us to be happy. But life in it's very nature has its bumps and heart aches. God never promised that we wouldn't have trials. He did however promise to never leave us alone to face those trials. When I think of those neighbors, those guardian angels, putting up those flags and taking dinners over and helping that suffering family in any way that they can, I know that God loves that family and is sending his love through those neighbors. He hasn't left them alone to bear their burdens.

And then I think of how many times God has shown his love to me. I can't even think of a number for the times I've prayed and pleaded and begged to have a baby. And there have been times when I've wondered if there really is a God listening to me. But I know that He has been there and that He has heard my pleadings. I don't have a baby yet but I can see so many times when God has answered my prayers by sending me strength and love through others. I have an amazing husband who stands beside me through thick and thin and bears me up during those hard times. I call him my husband with the soggy shoulder because I'm always crying on him! And after my 2nd failed round of IVF, when I was feeling down and alone, I got this idea to start a blog and while I was starting my blog I got this idea to search to see if there are other blogs about infertility. And I found out that there are all of these wonderful women out there going through similar things as me. And then by chance I found this fertility forum where I found even more women that I could relate with, and I found the strength and love and compassion and empathy that I needed to get through a 3rd round. And when that failed, it wasn't so bad because I realized that God had set me up with a really good safety net.
And then I realized that there have been friends that I haven't had contact with in quite awhile who have popped back into my life recently to cheer my heart.
And lately it seems like every church lesson has been directed toward me, giving me the spiritual strength to keep going on.
Or the just-right songs comes on the radio. Or a poem or quote comes to mind that reminds me that I'm loved. Or a stray thought comes out of nowhere to make me smile or give me strength. Or someone says something in passing that just hits home.

And there have been those moments when I am completely encircled by God's love. In those still, quiet moments when I feel His indesribable love completely fill me from head to toe. And it's like His arms are around me and He's saying, "It's alright, kiddo, I've got you. You're going to be okay, better than okay! Things will work out, don't worry. I love you and don't you forget it!"
So whether, it's the guardian angels that God sends our way or the quiet moments of peace, I know that God lives and most importantly, that He loves each of us! (Heavenly Hands by Greg Olsen)

April Fool's Day in October

2008-09-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days have been kind of hard. My body decided to play a little trick on me, and I realized that I don't have to wait until April 1st-I can be a fool any time during the year! I'm starting a new round of IVF in October and as part of that cycle, I need to start taking birth control at the beginning of this month's cycle. So I was ready for my period. No big deal. A means to an end. Then I was late. I usually have long cycles, between 33-35 days but not more than 35 days. There was a time when I didn't have cycles at all and had to take medicine just to have my period, but that was a couple of years ago. So day 35 came and went. Day 36. Day 37. I didn't even have any pre-cycle cramps like I usually do. No signs that anything was coming. So I'm at the store and I walk by the pregnancy tests, and I think, "well, I need to know either way." Even though I've really been trying to avoid pregnancy tests because I already know that those little pee sticks with the single pink line can be very heart-breaking. But I need to know, right? If I'm pregnant, great! Then I won't have to go through another round of IVF, and I'll be pregnant with a BABY! If I'm not pregnant, then I'll know that I need to be on the look-out for my cycle to begin or maybe talk to the doctor about what I need to do to jump-start my cycle. "It's fine either way," I told myself. So I took the test and 3 minutes later the single pink line was staring back at me. Negative. And after all I've told myself, after thinking I'm so strong, after thinking that I've moved beyond all this and that I'm in a place where infertility can't hurt me anymore...a single pink line and I'm back to square one and heartbroken. I crumbled. And I realized that just because I ignored all those secret desires that maybe I would miraculously get pregnant and that I wouldn't have to go through IVF again and that I would finally have some surety in this infertility game-even though I ignored these feelings, they were still there. And even though I know that I am capable of doing another round of IVF, there's always the hope that I won't have to. And I think this next round of IVF really scares more than any of the others because it is possibly my last try with IVF. Before I could tell myself, "well, I have 3 more rounds, 2 more rounds, 1 more round..."
So, yesterday I woke up with those wondefully-awful, endometriotic cramps (one of those curses of endometriosis is that you get to have especially painful and awful periods), but worse of all, with heart cramps. You know, that heart ache that comes with being unable to realize your dreams of having a baby, that comes with each period. Out of everything, I think that heart cramps are worse than anything else because you can't take anything for it and the heating pad doesn't help! Luckily (though my hubbie won't describe it like that), my hubbie was really sick yesterday which gave me the excuse to take the day off and gave me the distraction of taking care of him. Poor Gimli had to take care of two sickly, heavily-medicated parents; too bad he can't cook! But otherwise, he kept a good eye on us.
And here's what I'm grateful for...not going to work yesterday made me realize how grateful I am to be a teacher and how grateful I am for the students that I have. I actually really missed those dear 8th graders. I know I'm in the right place because I love being there. When I'm not there, I actually feel like I'm missing out on things! (It's good that I've put this into writing, because who knows if I'll still be able to say it in June!)

Day One of trying to Simplify...

2008-09-08T18:45:00.000-07:00

First, today I'm feeling especially thankful for a beautiful, crisp autumn day. I think autumn is one of my favorite seasons. It's not too hot, not too cold...it's just right, baby bear!
Well, go figure, the first day of my official mission to simplify, and everything seems to go berserk on me! This major reading assessment that is done on computers at school decides to be difficult, the computers decide to be difficult, the students decide to be difficult, my desk was completely buried 20 minutes into the start of the day...and suddenly there were all of these meetings that I needed to attend at the same time. Maybe this was life's way of encouraging me to accomplish my goals-like the first-time skydiver standing at the open airplane hatch, trying to find the courage to jump as she looks down at the little ants that are buildings and homes and wonders what on earth she was thinking when she decided to give this a try and then the person behind her gives a little nudge to help her on her way. Well, life gave me a big old shove today and as I'm flailing towards reality I just hope I remembered my parachute (knowing me, I was probably in a hurry and distracted even in my own metaphor) and after that all I can do is hope that I don't end up splattering in the end... ;)

The Need to Simplify

2008-09-07T18:53:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I'll start every new entry with something for which I'm grateful. So, here's today's: A big thank you to the friend who sent me a letter this week. I am so grateful for such good, loving people in my life-I couldn't get through my trials without such good friends. I hope she won't mind but I just wanted to share a couple parts from her letter because her words really touched my heart. First, a little background...the other night we got together with some old friends who happen to all have beautiful children-friends from back in our single days (days that my husband would probably call glorious and wonderful--but not as glorious and wonderful as married life, right?!). We were sitting around talking about blogging and I was asked what the name of my blog is. Infertile Myrtle...can we say that makes for an awkward party topic? So here's what my friend said in her letter:
"I realized that I clammed up around you a little yesterday, because I didn't want to say anything dumb. I have decided that a good friend talks and shares and that I should trust myself more and recognize that I probably (hopefully) won't fall off the deep end and start giving unsolicited advice or making dumb comments."
Thank you, friend! And I hope that I can do the same for you! And then the next part really made me smile. To me, it was the just right kind of comment:
"After IVF do you spend a couple of days taking it easy? Because if you do-or if you ever just need a pamper day, I am totally willing to help out. J [her adorable 5/6 month old baby] is great company-I was thinking he might even help little growing eggs grow by smiling and cooing at you. And I have learned how to make some pretty yummy freezer meals that I am totally willing to bring over and heat up at your house while you are being smiled and cooed at."
I am so grateful for friends who are willing to be there for me like that. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Just the offer means so much to me! Thanks for not treating me like I have the plague and for letting me hold your cute little J at the party the other night. It was just what I needed!
Anyway, on to my topic for tonight. I've been thinking that I really need to simplify my life. With working full time, numerous church obligations including being a cub scout den mom once a week, trying to get my home clean and in order, my husband working full time and going to school full time, and all of those other little life things that seem to pile up, I've decided that I need to simplify things as much as I can before I begin my next round of IVF. I need to relax so that I can get all uptight about IVF in a month...just kidding. No, I've decided to talk to my bishop (my church leader) about maybe not doing scouts anymore. And I'm really trying at school not to have my finger in every pie...last year I was in charge of the school book club, the literary magazine, the school newspaper, the debate team, the mock trial team, and was helping with technology and assemblies. I'm trying to let go of some of these projects, though it's hard. I love being involved in as much as I can, but my husband pointed out the other day that I'm starting to act like I'm being pulled a little thin. I'll let him be mostly right just this once! =) Even though the same could be said for him sometimes... =)
So, I guess I need to decide which things are most important to me and prioritize my time. The problem is that I've always been this way. What's the saying? Running around like a chicken with its head cut off...that pretty much characterizes me. So here's some quotes to start me off on my new mission to simplify my life:

The sculptor produces the beautiful statue by chipping away such parts of the marble block as are not needed - it is a process of elimination.
Elbert Hubbard

Our life is frittered away by detail… Simplify, simplify.
Henry Thoreau

Simplicity is an acquired taste. Mankind, left free, instinctively complicates life.
Katherine F. Gerould

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.

Lin Yutang

My house doesn't need to be perfectly clean...just do a little every day to keep it manageable. I don't need to make every teaching moment into a huge production. I'm not perfect and no one expects me to be. RELAX! RELAX! RELAX!
(By the way, I found myself cringing as I wrote some of those things. I'm not sure I'm a believer just yet!)
Wish me luck! And if you have any suggestions or things that have worked for you, I'm always up for advice! =)

Things I'm grateful for...

2008-08-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

They say when you're feeling down to look at the good things in life and think about what you're grateful for. So, here it goes (these are in no particular order, by the way).
1. My amazing, patient, loving, handsome, strong, smart, and just 100% perfect for me husband. He is opposite to me in so many ways but fills in my gaps and I fill in his. He is my shoulder to lean on, to cry on. He loves me despite of me!
2. My supportive, loving family, both my family and my in-laws-I'm doubly blessed! I don't know how my parents put up with me for so long and my brother and sister are my best friends in life. My mother-in-law and I are so alike it's scary and I get along with all of my in-laws so well. It's so nice when walking on life's scary high wires to know that I have the support net of my family to catch me if I fall.
3. My extended family-I was fortunate to grow up with strong relationships to my extended family. I grew up with both sets of my grandparents in the same town as me and spent so much time with them. And even though all of my grandparents have passed away just in the past few years, I still feel their influence in my life every day. I even was fortunate to know two great-grandmas. And I have so many wonderful aunts, uncles, and cousins. Family gives me so much strength!
4. My bubby...Gimli. He's my 120 lb., hairy baby and he always loves me no matter what. He licks my tears away when I cry and cuddles up to me when I'm sad. He makes me laugh and let's me be his doggy mommy.By the way, in this picture of Gimli, he was kind of ticked at me because I kept putting leaves on his head. I'm always taking pictures of him, he should just get used to it! =)
5. My religion and faith. I don't know where I would be without my faith in a loving Heavenly Father and if I didn't know of the things that Jesus Christ has done for me. My world would definitely be dark without knowing who I am, why I'm here, and what happens in the next life.
6. This beautiful world. I love nature and so many times the beauty of the world around me has comforted me, amazed me, and reminded me that there is a Higher Power that has control of everything. The soothing shush of the ocean, the swaying of the trees in the breeze, a golden sunset, the strong, solitary peace of the desert, the protection of the Rocky mountains, the bright pink and blue wake-me-up sunrises, an intricate, blossoming flower, a doe pausing from her evening meal to stare at me for a moment...every day and everywhere I go there is something to amaze me and overwhelm me with feelings of gratitude for this beautiful world.
7. For the amazing creatures of this world. I'm a total animal lover. Now I'll admit I'm not a fan of every creature (i.e. snakes and mice) but that doesn't mean I don't admire them. I used to rodeo and my best friend for almost twenty years was my horse, Banner. I am so grateful to have known such a noble and great spirit. I still can't sing the Star Spangled Banner without crying because that was her song. And if I could I think I would take in every stray animal I come across. Every animal is a wonder!
8. For this wonderful country I live in and the freedoms I enjoy. I am truly privileged and blessed to be an American. We have our faults and we make mistakes, but we're trying to get it right. My dad fought in the Vietnam War and always taught me to respect my country and those who fight to defend it. I am so grateful for those who sacrifice and fight to defend my freedom--to the soldiers and their families. God Bless the United States!
9. For the other countries and cultures of the world. I am amazed by the diversity and wonderfulness of the world. I lived in Italy for awhile and Italy holds a special place in my heart. I loved the people, the culture, and the beauty of Italy. My family is also Spanish and I love the culture that I was raised in. My grandma's tortillas and tamales, how I was my grandparent's 'hita', and the spiciness of that culture. I love learning about new cultures too. There is just so much to learn from and love about the different cultures of the world. Watching the Olympics this past week has been fun, seeing all the different athletes of the world coming together. It's been really cool.
10. For my good friends. How many times has a friend called and said they were just thinking of me and thought they should call? My friends keep me smiling and laughing and enjoying life. And those really good friends who even when you don't see each other for a long time, the minute you get together again, it's like you were never apart. My friends are so good to me! I'm always trying to be a better friend and be at least half as good as my friends are to me. In my neighborhood, at work, and all over the place I have such wonderful friends.
11. And my web friends. This is a new group of friends for me and I'm so thankful for them. Even though I haven't met any of these people, from reading their blogs or talking in forums, I feel like I'm hanging out with long time friends. For example, 'Your Average Infertility Blog' just announced that she's pregnant, and I felt so excited for her. Her blog has taken me on a journey with her, and it just feels so good to see her journey finally going in the right direction. I don't even know what she looks like, but share a web kinship with her nonetheless. =) And I'm so grateful to know that I'm not alone and that there are so many outstanding and strong women that I can relate to and turn to in hard times.

Well, I'm going to end my list there for now. There are so many other things that I'm grateful for but time is up. It's almost dinnertime and I'm still in my pajamas. Make that #12 of things I'm grateful for: lazy days and pajamas! I'll add to my list next time!

Eliminating the 'why'

2008-07-31T10:25:00.000-07:00

My husband and I were having one of our many conversations about infertility the other day. It's kind of nice because it used to be a topic full of tension for us but I really feel that we've grown closer through everything and can really talk about things now. Anyway, we got to talking about eliminating the 'why'. There's always a lot of 'why' in infertility: why can't I get pregnant? Why can that 14 year old girl get pregnant and I can't? Why is what I want most so out of reach? And what it really comes down to-Why me? Sometimes I fall into the 'why me' trap so easily and then it's hard to not feel depressed and gloomy. And the 'why' thing is really hard to understand. I don't know why bad things happen to good people or why bad people sometimes get good things. I don't know why infertility is part of my trial package in life. I don't know why two irresponsible teenagers in the back of a car can do what highly-trained, experienced doctors can't do for me. But as Hubbie and I were talking, we came to the conclusion it's not our task in life to know the 'why'. God knows the 'why' and knows what's best for us. It's our job to do what is right and just have faith that if we continue to try to be the people that God wants us to be, things will work out for our good. So I'm going to try to eliminate that nasty 'why' and just focus on the 'what does God want me to do with my life' and see where it takes me!
And a sidenote on crying: I've decided that crying is like epilepsy. I knew this lady who was epileptic and she explained to me one day that, for the most part, she knew what triggered her seizures and could generally feel when one was coming on. But at other times, a seizure would just come out of the blue, sometimes creating very embarrassing situations for her. So this came to my mind the other day as I was sitting in a public setting bawling my eyes out. I generally know what can trigger crying for me...thinking about loved ones that I've lost, thinking about how hard it would be to lose the loved ones that I've got right now, babies, talking about babies, thinking about babies. But then again, sometimes I can be really strong. The other day we went swimming with a group of friends and their kids and my husband and I became the designated 'fun' people. We were constantly going around the lazy river and the whirlpool with kids clinging to our necks and arms. And then I got to swim and play with my friend's one-year-old baby who is absolutely adorable. She was so cute--she kept splashing the water with her hands and then scrunching up her face when the water would hit her. She couldn't figure out the connection. You would think something like that would make me cry, but I loved it too much to cry. Anyway, sometimes I know I'm in a situation where I'm about to start crying and can gracefully pull myself together or get out there before I lose it. Other times the tears just come and there's nothing I can do about it. Ask my husband about my sitting in the middle of the grocery store on a patio chair for sale and crying for who-knows-what reason...how embarrassing.
Another experience that I just had a couple of days ago. I was talking with some friends from the neighborhood and one point I said something about babies and one of the women said, "Are you trying to tell us something?" I still never know what to say so I just said, "No, I wish!" The woman kind of knows about my situation, but not too much-just the basic they've-been-married-for-a-few-years-and-yet-have-no-children fact. Anyway, she suddenly turned bright red and said, "I am so sorry! It took me six years to have my first baby and I always vowed that I would never be one of those people who ask things like that!" She was so embarrassed. I brushed it off and then we got to talking about other foot-in-the-mouth experiences. I wasn't offended and what I really want to tell her but didn't was that she gave me hope that someday maybe I will be in her category-she has three wonderful children, the youngest is in high school. And I would rather get comments like that then be treated like have a plague. I would hate it if people were constantly saying behind my back, "oh, don't mention babies or anything like that around her...she's infertile." I don't want people walking on egg shells around me. Granted there are comments that drive me crazy (see my post on what no to say to someone dealing with infertility) but I guess as long as people are making these comments, there's still hope, right?

Faith in the Storm

2008-07-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

Good thing for church. To be honest, I wasn't really feeling like going to church today. I've come to the realization that I am the only one in the age group from 18 to 100 who doesn't have any children at my church, and I wasn't feeling up to facing all of those beautiful mothers. Granted, everyone is super nice. It's just hard sometimes feeling like an outsider and not really having anything you can do about it. Anyway, I finally convinced myself to get over myself and go to church, and I'm glad that I did. This one guy talked a little bit about faith and he gave the example of when Jesus and his disciples were on a ship and there was this big storm. And during this huge storm Jesus slept and the worse the storm became and the more Jesus slept, the more worried and fearful his disciples became. Finally, as the ship was covered with the waves and the disciples thought for sure the ship was going to sink, they woke up Jesus. Then Jesus stood up and calmed the sea and the winds. And he said to his disciples, "Why are ye fearful? O ye of little faith?" (Matthew 8: 26). This hit home for me, and then to make sure I got it (God knows that I'm a slow learner) we talked about faith in Sunday School too. The teacher was talking about how faith isn't blind, and I got to thinking about how faith is seeing things with our hearts and spirits and that having faith in God doesn't mean that we'll never fall, it just means that God will always be there to give us the strength to get back up again. And I got to thinking how faith really is a good cure for the infertility blues. I was starting to panic and let those fears of never having a family and fears that everything I've been doing is for nothing and fears that God had maybe forgotten me...all those fears that creep into my heart sometimes. So today I said to myself, "Why are ye fearful? O ye of little faith!" Just because I'm in a stormy part of my life, doesn't mean that Jesus Christ isn't aware of me and the He can't help me. He won't let me sink! And I know that I've got to have strong faith because that is the only thing that conquers fear. I have faith that God loves me and hasn't forgotten me and that one day some how I will have a baby. It's like a garden, I can sit back and let the weeds of fear and despair grow or I can work to plant my faith and watch it blossom over time. But it definitely takes a lot of work!

The Adoption Fiasco

2008-07-10T10:14:00.001-07:00

Well, I was sitting in church the other day and this other woman was talking about how she had taken in foster baby that they wanted to adopt. Unfortunately, three days after they got the baby, the court decided that the baby should be returned to her biological mother. The woman was expressing her emotions on how hard it was to deal with such a blow and it got me to thinking about my own adoption fiasco and I realized that I hadn't written about that. In April, during a dinner with my family, my mom casually threw out the question, "so do you want a baby?" Duh! She already knew the answer. It turned out that my aunt, who works with teen mothers, had a 15 year old girl who wanted to put her baby up for adoption and was interested in doing a private adoption. Hubbie and I kind of shrugged it off but both of us started thinking about it a lot. After a weekend of thinking about it, both of us agreed that we felt strongly that we needed to look into this. My husband used to be very anti-adoption. He had this idea that the only babies put up for adoption were crack-babies. So it was a huge step for him to go in this direction. We spoke with my aunt who agreed to be our third party in communicating with the mother and we contacted an attorney. I was surprised how easy it is to do a basic private adoption--a case worker needed to do a home study, the attorney would take care of all of the paperwork, and we needed to have the baby in our home for 6 months before we could legally adopt. So we began to get all of our ducks in a row. We were told the baby was 3 months old, absolutely beautiful, good natured and loving, half spanish/portuguese, healthy, and well-taken care of. I asked a lot of questions because, as a teacher, I've seen the affects of bad beginnings on my 8th graders. I had a student who had a lot of issues as a 14 year old because he wasn't held as a baby or another student who has major anger issues because of how he was treated until he was adopted as a one year old. The mother was 14 years old when she got pregnant and had her baby and had just turned 15 years old. She had originally wanted to get an abortion but being Catholic, her mother made her carry the baby. She had then wanted to give the baby up immediately but her friends convinced her that it would be fun to raise a baby. So she tried for 3 months but realized that she was just too young to be a mother. She was being raised by a single mother and her family was on welfare. So she turned to my aunt for help. Dad was older and wanted nothing to do with the baby and had been deported to Portugal.
Things were looking good and running very smoothly at first. We were setting up a time to come down and meet the baby and preparing our home to possibly have a baby in it in the next two weeks. I got the paperwork to get time off from work and everything was ready. Then everything fell apart. My aunt called the girl's home to set up a time for us to meet the baby and the girl's mom answered, let's call her Grandma Meanie. Well, it turned out that the grandma didn't know anything about the adoption. She knew that her daughter wanted to put the baby up for adoption but didn't know that she had done anything about it. Grandma was furious and went ballistic on my aunt. She declared that the baby wasn't up for adoption and never would be. The worst part was that it wasn't because she was so attached to the baby. She told my aunt that "she wasn't letting her daughter off that easy and that she needed to learn her lesson." I flipped out when I heard that. She wanted to use this baby to teach her daughter a lesson? I didn't know what to do. I wanted to contact a social worker, get a team of lawyers...something. Meanwhile, the girl was asking my aunt if it was true that if she left her baby at a hospital or church, that they would take care of him. Finally, I decided to write a letter to the grandmother apologizing for going over her head, telling her about myself and my husband, and asking her to reconsider. But before I could deliver the letter, the grandmother had a huge blow out fight with her daughter, and the girl and baby moved out and moved in with her grandparents in Durango, Colorado. And just like that, they were gone and I had no way to contact the girl. I hope and pray that this poor girl and her baby are okay. Even though I never met them, they are deep in my heart. The hardest thing was that originally we were told that the baby's name was Gage but later found out that that was his middle name and that his first name was Wyatt which was what Hubbie and I have always planned on naming our first born son. I saw it as a sign that this was meant to be. There seemed to be so many signs that this was meant to be but...dead end. I had a hard time dealing with it at first, it was like a failed round of IVF. I wondered if God really saw me as such a terrible candidate for motherhood, that he had to block every route. But I healed eventually. I know that I'll make a wonderful mother someday and I know that God loves me and has a plan for me...it's just all about timing. And it was a good learning experience. I at least know more about adoption and my husband has opened the door to that possibility in his mind, and I hope that that young mother and her baby are in a better environment because of all of this.

The Official Bad News

2008-07-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

Well, we did the blood work on Saturday and it's official that I'm not pregnant. Now comes the 'what went wrong and where do we go from here' appointment with Dr. B and another round of IVF looms in the future. Oh well, what can you do? I'm actually in Montana with my husband right now on a little vacation of sorts and that definitely helps--a little get-away from it all. This morning as I was watching CMT in the hotel room Martina McBride's music video for Anyway came on. It really hit home so I thought I would put the lyrics here.
Anyway
Martina McBride/Brad Warren/Brett Warren (BMI)
You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway
(Chorus)
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anywayI do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway
(Repeat Chorus)
You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway
I sing
I dream
I love anyway.
So even though I know it's hard to keep trying to have a baby, I'm going to do it anyway! Maybe Martina Mcbride should add a verse to her song about infertility...

Bad News! =(

2008-07-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I did a pregnancy test today and it came out negative. I'll do the blood work on Saturday but, I'm pretty sure it didn't take. I've been getting cramps all week and have just felt like it didn't work. It's just not my time yet. Though I wonder when it will be my time? I'm not giving up or anything, it's just really hard initially when you get the bad news. The idea of facing another round of IVF is hard, but I'll do it. I'll probably do the other round in October, give my body and heart a chance to recuperate. I was talking to my husband about this yesterday, that I didn't think I was pregnant and about my fears that this might all be a dead end. What if I don't get pregnant after four rounds of IVF? He said that we've been following our hearts on what we should do and that he would rather follow his heart and do what he believes to be right and reach a dead end than to take the other road and always wonder. I totally agree with him (but that doesn't make the road any easier)! What can I do but keep trying though? What is that saying-the best things in life don't come easy...hopefully there's some really cool things in store for me in the future!
My cousin and his wife have been trying to have a baby and just announced last night that they're pregnant. You know the mixed emotions--happy for them but frustrated and jealous that it's not you. But like I told my husband, she's not build tough enough for the infertility battle. I'm tough enough. I'm tough enough. I'm tough enough...
Anyway, I think I'll go curl up with my dog now and have a good cry (he's a good cuddler and he licks my tears away =)! Life is hard but it's all worth it in the end. I've got to just keep repeating this stuff to myself!

The Heroic Three

2008-06-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

The Heroic Three!
Good luck little guys!

About my husband...

2008-06-25T08:39:00.000-07:00

My hubbie had to go out of town yesterday and will get back Friday, so I'm just sitting here missing him. He actually travels quite a bit during certain times of the year for his job, so I'm pretty used to it. Though I think the progesterone shots or just the whole IVF thing makes me really clingy. Yeah, I'm the woman holding onto the guy's leg, sobbing hysterically at the airport. Just kidding but that's how I feel sometimes! Anyway, I just have to say what an amazing guy my husband really is. I'll admit when we first started trying to have a baby, he wasn't really into it. Yes, he liked the "trying" but wasn't really ready to be a dad. I think he was scared out of his mind! He wanted to be more financially prepared, get the house in better order, etc. I kept telling him that you are never fully prepared for a baby, no matter how much you do. In all honesty, it was hard at first because we weren't on the same level as far as wanting to conceive. There were times when we both said really hurtful things and when we fought (usually it was when the temps were just right and I had to convince myself and my husband that we should just 'sleep' on things even though we didn't even feel like being in the same room!) I knew that Hubbie started wanting a baby as much as I did when he would be watching other men with their children, and I would see that mushy look in his eyes like what I get when I see mothers with their babies. And I think it was after our first round of IVF that he really admitted that he wanted a baby too, not just for my happiness. When we got the news that it didn't work, he was so strong and held onto me. Once he knew that I was going to be okay, he broke down and admitted that he really wants us to start a family and that he wants to be a father.
Hubbie has always been my strength. There have been times when I know I haven't been a picnic to live with and of course, we've had our fights, but I think this whole trial has brought us closer together as a couple (hey, we've had five years together just him and me). Probably the hardest thing for Hubbie is that he likes to fix things but can't do anything in this situation. It drives him crazy not being able to 'lift my hood', tighten some things, and get me running smoothly. He always concerned about my health and welfare. The thing he always says is that he just wants me to be okay, everything else is optional. He has just been so supportive, always there to lift me up. He's this big, tough-looking, redneck guy but he is just so tender with me. He's overly protective so it has been hard for him to see me in pain. And I like that he doesn't blame me for all of this infertility stuff. I kick myself a lot and put myself down because of my malfunctioning body, but Hubbie always says, "It's not anyone's fault, it's life."
He is always optimistic and grateful too. And quite the comedian. He calls the ultrasound wand a light saber and at the first ultrasound appointment he came to with me, he accompanied the ultrasound with appropriate Star Wars sound effects. He also likes to do a type of sports commentary during ultrasounds. The other day he had the doctor laughing but I chewed him out that he can only make the doctor laugh when he (hubbie) has the light saber up his wa-hoo! =) Hubbie jokes now that he knows as much about female anatomy as a gynecologist and when I suggested he change occupations, he said he didn't want to turn a fun hobby into a job. He's such a goof!
But, overall, neither of us are perfect and we have our good times and our bad times, but I wouldn't want to be doing this with anyone but Hubbie, I can't imagine doing this with anyone but him! He is definitely my everything!
And I've also been thinking how hard all of this is on him. I don't think women going through infertility realize how hard it is for the man. Like my husband, many men don't voice what they're feeling and just internalize everything. My husband is usually so concerned with being strong and being there for me, that he doesn't ever get the opportunity to grieve or let it all out. I've seen Hubbie break down once, but it was only after he knew for sure that I was okay. I realized that he was just as broken hearted but so busy trying to heal my heart, he didn't have time to deal with his. After my 2nd failed IVF, the day we had the it-didn't-work-so-now-what doctor appointment, Hubbie was really on one. He was grouchy and picking fights about all of these little things, and I was feeling so frustrated with him. I couldn't figure out what his problem was. My sister suggested that maybe he was struggling with dealing with the failed IVF. I remember thinking, "what does she know? He's my husband...I would know if that were the issue...He's just being jerk!" But then after the appointment, Hubbie apologized for being grouchy and said, "I guess I'm just having a hard time dealing with all of this. It was hard going back to the doctor knowing that it didn't work. I didn't realize it would get to me like this." I'm trying to be more aware now and to be there for him too. We can hold each other up through tough times!

The Phases of Infertility

2008-06-24T10:29:00.001-07:00

Well, I had transfer yesterday. Things went pretty good. Out of the 6 fertilized, only 3 kept growing, and they were only at fair quality. Hubbie and I were hoping to have some to freeze this time but 3 is better than the 1 we had last time. We ended up transferring all 3 of them (I had two 5-cell and 1 4-cell). The doctor also did what's called assisted hatching where they use a laser to make a little hole to help things out. It's crazy what technology can do! I have to say that this transfer wasn't as bad as the other two. The full bladder thing is always a killer, but we got through it with only a few tears! I'm a crier so that's pretty good! So now I'm in the waiting phase. Fourteen days. Two weeks can drag when you're waiting to find out if all this IVF stuff is going to pay off. Over-thinking everything...is this a sign that I'm pregnant? My back hurts-is that a sign? Can you feel when you're pregnant? Can you feel it when life is created? But in a way I also like this phase because I like to act like I am pregnant and in a delicate condition. So even if it doesn't work out, well, I had those two weeks when I believed I was. Here's hoping!
Looking at some of my others posts, I got to thinking about the different phases of infertility which can come in waves. It's like a constant cycle (a cycle more constant than my own womanly cycle)! So, here's some of the phases I thought of (in no particular order)...
Phase One-Blind optimism. You believe that you are above genetics and statistics and facts. Like how I ignored the fact that my mom struggled with infertility and I thought I would be different. Or like when I would ignore the early cramps and hold onto the idea that I was pregnant until I saw blood. Or how before I went to see the fertility doctor, or before I began IVF, I hoped I would miraculously wake up pregnant and not have to go through it all. My doctor always talked about cautious optimism which was difficult for me to understand. With cautious optimism you have to face the facts with hope and a smile.
Phase Two-Barren Bitterness. There have been times when I couldn't even be near a baby without crying. Friends would have babies and I couldn't visit them. There were babies all over the place and I had to go out of my way to avoid them. It was so unfair. Why could everyone else have babies except me? I had the I-didn't-want-to-go-the-party-anyway attitude that you get when you find out you weren't invited. I probably scowled at pregnant women, who knows?
Phase Three-Deep Depression. In the beginning, I would sob hysterically every time I started my period then move on. But sometimes it got really hard to move on. I didn't want to go to work or see people or do anything. I just wanted to lie in the fetal position and feel sorry for myself. My husband would always try to get me out to do stuff, but it was hard. I felt ugly, useless, alone, and heart broken. I began to feel inferior, left out, unqualified. Sometimes this phase would last a few days, sometimes a few weeks. It's so hard to get out of this funk!
Phase Four-Sporadic Crying. This is probably the phase I'm always in. Sometimes I'll be peachy keen and then a thought will come into my head, and the tears come. Hubbie thinks it's from the drugs I'm on or the hormone upheaval (I don't have the heart to tell him that I think it's in my hard wiring). A few weeks ago, I was driving to the grocery store (which is five minutes from my house) and the thought of the baby that I almost adopted came into my head. I had to pull over and cry for twenty minutes before I could go do my grocery shopping. I need a sign to wear: Warning: Cries without Warning!
Phase Five-The Green-Eyed Beast. Jealousy. I sometimes look at other women and think "Wow! I wish I had her hair" or "I would love to have her body." But the jealousy I feel when I'm around new mothers or pregnant women is so much deeper. One day one of my friends that I work with who is pregnant came in. She has been so sick for the past couple of months and was totally miserable that day. She said something to me without thinking, "Believe me, you don't want this." The Green-Eyed Beast raged and roared. "Yeah, I would much rather just feel like crap for nothing!" That was one of the nicer comments I made. Yikes! It wasn't pretty!
Phase Six-Moody Insanity. One day my husband and I were watching the news and there was this story about a woman who kidnapped a newborn from the hospital. Jokingly, I told my husband that I could relate with that crazy woman. It scared me a little when my husband took me kind of seriously. Was I really coming off as that crazy? Maybe, depending on my mood. (Let me make a very serious note here that I would never do something like that!) But I do know there have been times when my moods have gone up and down better than the wildest roller coaster!
Phase Seven-Extreme Anger. You want to flip everyone off. Scream. Yell obscenities. Punch something. Angry at yourself, your body (the traitor), those pregnant women, your husband, your doctor, your family, your friends, God...you just want to be angry!
Phase Eight-Busy Body. If I can stay busy enough, I won't have time to think about infertility. I'll take on more at work, I can do more in my community, I'll be super-neighbor, I'll clean my house until it sparkles, I do more church stuff, anything so that I don't have a single minute to myself to face what's before me.
Phase Nine-The INDESTRUCTIBLE INFERTILE MYRTLE! This is the phase I want to be in as much as I can. This is the I-can-do-this phase, the I-get-knocked-down-but-I-get-up-again phase. This is cautious optimism, hope, faith, determination. Unfortunately, it's not the easiest phase to be in. The other phases just come naturally and are easy to wallow in. This phase is like that beautiful, pristine lake at the end of a 15-mile hike up a steep mountain. You know that it's where you want to be and worth the hike, but you're not sure you're up to the time and effort it takes to get there. But it is always a place of happiness and is definitely worth it!

Faith

2008-06-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday and so I figure faith is a good topic for the day. First, an update. I have broken all of my previous records with 16 eggs retrieved on Friday. I don't know if other women are popping out 30-40 eggs a round, but 16 is a HUGE number for me. Of those 16, 11 fertilized, and of those 11, 6 are looking good and growing. 6 is also a huge number for me. In the past, the doctor has had to call me and say, "I'm sorry we were only able to get 4 somewhat good eggs and of those only 1 fertilized and is doing okay." So I'm really excited. I'll go in either on Monday or Wednesday for transfer. Who knows, I might even have a couple extra to freeze. I feeling really good about things right now.
Anyway, I've been thinking about faith and stuff and I have to say that dealing with infertility has been the hardest obstacle I've ever faced. And the most testing of my faith. Finding the right person to marry and spend the rest of my life with, financial stresses, health issues...I've had hard times in my life but I always felt like I could do something about it. Infertility doesn't hold back any punches though. Probably my biggest struggle was when my 16 year-old cousin dropped out of high school because she was pregnant, and I couldn't have a baby. I wondered if God didn't think I was responsible enough, good enough, worthy enough to have a baby, but then I thought of all of those teenagers having babies and those crazy people abandoning or hurting their babies, and I knew that you weren't given a baby based on whether or not you would be a good mother. So then I thought, "What then? Why can't I have a baby?" Was this punishment for something I did? Did God hate me? Didn't He hear my constant prayers? I really struggled with keeping my faith in God and not feeling bitter or angry. But there's this quote, I wish I could find the exact quote, but it was the words of a Holocaust survivor (which surviving the Holocaust is beyond comprehension). The survivor was asked how he kept his faith in God even when such horrible things were happening to him and all around him. He responded, "what was the alternative? I could lose my faith and face darkness alone with no God and no hope or I could keep believing that God would save me, no matter how hard it was to hold onto that faith." I've thought about that a lot. What are my alternatives? I can face this alone, desperate, bitter, resentful or I can have faith that God has a plan for me, that He loves me and cares about what I'm going through, and I can find hope, peace, and strength in Him. So, I'm sticking with the faith thing. I know that wherever this road takes me, God will be there for me. Sometimes I need reminders when I'm really struggling, but I do know it in my heart. And I don't know if I'll ever really understand why certain things happen to certain people, why teenagers can make babies in the back of cars on accident and why I need a team of doctors, nurses, drugs, a patient husband, and over 4 years so far, to make a baby. There's this poem that always comes to my mind that I heard when I was a teenager:

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me
I let Him choose the colors
He worketh steadily.
Ofttimes He worketh sorrow
and I, within my heart,
Forget He sees the pattern
While I see only part.
The dark threads were as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He had planned.
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

-Anonymous
Here are some other thoughts that I found that I really like:

With thoughtless and impatient hands

We tangle up the plans

The Lord has wrought.

And when we cry in pain He saith,

Be quiet, man, while I untie the knot.

-Anonymous

"Now, as you and I look at our lives... we sometimes do not understand that through which we are passing, but, being submisive, we can trust Him. The day will come, brothers and sisters, when the tapestry of your life will be unfolded, and you will see divine design all through it, and praise God for the experience and the tutoring which, in His goodness, He has given you."

-Neal A. Maxwell

Anyway, I thought these were nice thoughts. Infertility comes to battle with an entire artillery of weapons-despair, discouragement, heart break, fear, disappointment, anger, bitterness, etc. The only weapons I have are faith, hope, prayers, gratitude, and patience but they're enough to get me through the battles. One more thought. A long time ago my grandma took a pink frame, some bits of wallpaper and construction paper and made me this little plaque for Christmas. On it, it says:
When the answers to our prayers seem slow, God uses that time to help our faith grow.
Grandma passed away right after I got married, but she's still giving me good advice! Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts about faith and infertility. People always say not to stress over things that you can't control so like I've said before, I'm trying to learn to just be still and let God do the stressing. He's got the master plan, and I'm going to be okay.

Just thought this was funny...

2008-06-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

From: http://www.parenthood.com/article-topics/article-topics.php?Article_ID=11522
One Woman’s Musings on Her Journey from Infertile Myrtle to Marveling Mom

My Life on a T-Shirt

By Tessa Falk

I used to call myself “Infertile Myrtle.” In fact, I wore a handmade, fitted black T-shirt with this self-dubbed moniker emblazoned across the front in hot pink letters. I had even contemplated starting a T-shirt line for other like-minded, want-to-be mommies such as myself, called InfertiliTees. Because, I thought: “Even Barren Babes Deserve to Laugh.”

And though I had come up with a slew of slogans: “Fertilize This” and “Strong Swimmers Apply Within,” just to name a few, my favorite had to be “Clomid Queen.” This name, in reference to the fertility drug, became my personal calling card and, ultimately, my saving grace.

For as long as I had known I wanted children, I had also known I would have to fight my body every step of the way to make it happen. I don’t know where the notion came from or why, but fears of infertility became my self-fulfilling prophecy.

I often posed the question: “If it takes two to tango, how many does it take to make a baby?” For me, the answer would take two years, 10 months and eight days to appear. Not to mention requiring the efforts of dozens of doctors, specialists, product and pill manufacturers, family and friends and, of course, my T-shirt, which allowed me to laugh even on the days I thought I’d never laugh again.

Though the battle for baby was just that – a battle of strength, will, determination and desire, character, patience, persistence and peace – I wouldn’t change one single step. Because doing so would mean I wouldn’t be where I am today, holding my son in my arms.

Hope is the thing with feathers

2008-06-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Well, I'm just trying to past time until my egg retrieval in a couple of hours and thought I'd post again. The retrieval is generally the easy part (it's the transfer that is rough for me). I just hope that the doctor is able to get some really good quality, fatty eggs from me today. So, I'm sitting here feeling like I'm carrying bowling balls instead of ovaries and sick (somehow I've caught a cold) and I'm thinking about hope. Like I hope things go well today. I hope my cold keeps getting worse because my body is just so focused on making beautiful eggs. Or I really hope I feel better later. Or, most of all, I hope I get pregnant. The poem I copied in this post today is from Emily Dickinson and one of my favorites about hope. I like the metaphor of hope being a bird. It fits well. The other day I was reading someone else's blog and she was really frustrated and asking when it's time to give up. I've been thinking about that a lot. When do you throw in the towel and say I've done all that I can, I can't do this anymore? I know I've felt like giving up before, like I couldn't deal with all of it anymore. But it's like this-here in Utah winters get really cold and snowy and usually most birds take off. But there's always a couple who don't, who brave it out. You see the little birds huddled and fighting the winter and then my favorite thing is in the spring as things get warmer and you hear that first bird song of the season. And soon enough the trees are full of birds singing. I'm not a winter person, and sometimes I get really down, but those little birds and my hope for spring get me through it. With infertility, sometimes it's like one big winter and I have moments when I feel like giving up hope, but somehow hope just keeps flying back into my heart. So, I've decided that no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to keep hoping and keep trying. I've got four rounds of IVF that I can do-I'm on round 3 right now. And if IVF doesn't work out, I'll keep looking for other options (including adoption). Someday I'll have children! So, wish me luck! And keep hoping!

In the beginning...

2008-06-18T17:53:00.000-07:00

I've just been thinking about when all this began and thought I should write it down. When my husband, we'll call him Hubbie, and I got married, we decided to wait a year until we started our family--you know get to know each other, get ourselves established, all that stuff. Technically I would have been happy getting pregnant on our honeymoon, but at the time I was just starting a master's program, still paying off my undergraduate schooling, and we were pretty broke. And it was nice just being together. Sometimes I think that if I had known what a struggle it would be for us to have a baby, I would have started right away, but 'should haves' and 'could haves' don't do much for me, so why bother kicking myself! And Hubbie always likes to point out that we were able to do a lot of good things that we probably wouldn't have been able to do if we had kids back then. When we finally stopped the birth control (after many debates) I was ecstatic. I knew the facts that it usually takes a couple of months after you stop birth control to conceive, so I was patient at first. My mom had struggled having kids-it took five years for me, nine years for my sister, and then my brother surprised everyone a couple of years later. But I just pushed that to the back of my mind-forget genetics, forget the fact that many of my aunts also struggled with having a baby--everything was going to be perfect for me. Not quite. Hubbie and I tried for a year on our own and I have to say that was probably the worst time period of all. I didn't know it at the time, but I have endometriosis and not being on birth control allowed it to continue to get worse and worse. So each month my period got more and more painful. But worse than the cramps, was the monthly broken heart. I would do the temperature thing and the ovulation tests and all that, and every month I would think, "this is it--I'm pregnant!" And then my period would start and I would cry and get depressed and curl up with my heating pad. I was so darn stubborn too. Even when I would start to get mild cramps, I would think that maybe it was part of being pregnant but in the back of my mind I knew that I wasn't. I should have bought stock in EPT, since I bought enough of them! If my period didn't start exactly when it should, I would do a test and even when it was negative, I would still convince myself that those tests can sometimes be wrong and that I could still be pregnant. An hour later, I would start my period. Plus, my cycles started getting irregular, I was suddenly gaining all of this weight, and breaking out. I was turning into an infertile BEAST! Meanwhile, friends all around me were starting their families. It was an ugly, ugly time.
Then a ray of light came into my gloom, a friend who had struggled with infertility but who had just had twins recommended her ob-gyn to me. So I started to go to him. Finally, I was feeling more in charge of my body. I started taking medication to regulate my cycle. Once we got that under control, I began taking fertility drugs. I like to think of this time period as my Jekyll Era. Scary, scary! I began with Clomid and after taking maximum dose of that moved on to this other experimental stuff. Those drugs had me on such an emotional roller coaster. It was almost like this out-of-body experience because I could see how I was acting but couldn't do anything to stop it. I would be all happy go-lucky one minute, sobbing hysterically the next or raging the next. I amazed that my husband stuck by me through all of that. Plus I was the sex commando--timing was everything whether you were in the mood or not and it became less making love and more just doing what we had to do. Unfortunately, the fertility drugs didn't lead to babies but led to cysts. Big, painful cysts. After over a year of more heartache and ovary-ache, my doctor had me do some more tests (HSG is NOT very nice), recommended that I do a laparoscopy (sorry I can't even say it, let alone spell it!), and recommended that I begin to see a fertility specialist.
That was a huge turning point for me. That was when we discovered the endometriosis. You know it's not pretty when the doctor's impressed with the before and after pictures and wants to use them for textbooks and your husband still has nightmares from the pictures! =) I guess I was all scar tissue and my ovaries were stuck to my hips. But a month or two after I got all cleaned out and my ovaries were free floaters again, things were feeling so much better. And that's when I began my journey at the fertility center with Dr. B and his staff (who I have mentioned before as angels from heaven!) After testing and what not, we decided that the best route was IVF. I remember the first time I went to the IVF training class. I was thinking, "no way! I can't do it! Shots in the stomach? And then bigger shots in the hips for a month...no way." I've never been a needle person. I don't give blood and one time a nurse was taking some blood and was fishing around for a vein in my arm with the needle in my arm, and just by reflex I kicked her right in the behind. Nope, needles are not my thing. Anyway, when they pulled out the needles for us to practice, I think I almost passed out. My husband wasn't very reassuring as he showed me how he gives a horse a shot and how 'easy' it would be. But the nurses were very patient and gentle and put up with me calling a hundred times to make sure I was doing everything right. The first time I gave myself a shot, it took me almost two hours to get up the nerve to do it. One, two, three...one, two, three...while giving myself pep talks while sitting in the dining room with a needle in my hand while crying. I was such a wuss!
The first round of IVF was really scary. Every detail was explained to me and everyone answered all of my questions, even the stupid ones, but I was still a nervous wreck. On the day of transfer when they put the fertilized eggs back in, I learned what exactly is meant by an 'almost full' bladder. I was a bit of an overachiever in filling up my bladder and was even gulping down water on the way to the doctor's office. By the time it was time for the actual transfer, I was drowning. I had to pee so bad that I literally thought I was going to explode. The nurse told me that I could try using the bathroom and stopping after I filled up half of a cup. But if I totally emptied my bladder, I would have to postpone the transfer until I could fill up my bladder again and when the doctor could re-schedule . I had never tried the on/off faucet downstairs before, but I was in so much pain that I decided it was worth a try. And I did it somehow. I suggested that the doctor's office offer some sort of trophy or certificate for an accomplishment like that, but I have yet to see it...Anyway, after they did the transfer my husband and I just sat in that surgery room and cried together. Hubbie didn't say it at the time, but he had the feeling that it didn't work. I did too, but in my usual fashion, ignored the feeling and pushed the thought to the back of my mind. Then we waited for the results. It's only a couple of weeks, but, believe me, it can feel like years. I really feel bad for the poor nurse who had to call with the blood results. I just cried and cried and cried. I tried to wait until I hung up the phone but it didn't work. She was so good though and optimistic--it was just a first try not the end of the road.
So even though the first round of IVF didn't work, it was a great learning experience for me. I really learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of. I feel like I'm stronger for it. I really think I was just too freaked out to let it work in the beginning. I'm trying to learn to calm down, be faithful...let God do the stressing. The key word is learning (I'll get there someday)! Well, we did a second round of IVF and a little different protocol. I ended up getting pretty sick that round. I was much calmer that time and at least knew first hand what to expect. Unfortunately, my estradiol levels skyrocketed and we couldn't really get super quality eggs. And where it usually stops working is at that point where we're waiting for those cells to grow and multiply. The part where I've done all that I can and the doctor has done all that he can, an it's just up to God to do the rest. So far we just haven't had our time table in sync with God's. But it's got to happen sometime, right!
So right now, I'm in the middle of my third round of IVF. This has definitely been my best cycle yet. I go in for retrieval Friday. Looking at things this morning at my ultrasound, I've got some pretty dang good looking follicles...I've been feeding Hubbie lots of veggies so his swimmers will be ready to go...it's feeling really good so far. I'm a hopeless optimist (there's an oxymoron for you!) and just hoping and praying it will work out this time. If not, I cry, I re-group, and I keep going forward! So, there you go, my journey so far. Sorry for the novel!

About my doctor...

2008-06-17T20:58:00.000-07:00

I'm in the phase of things right now where I get to see my doctor almost on a daily basis. It's strange to me that other people don't know their entire doctor's office by first name! I was talking to someone the other day and said something about "my nurse". The person didn't know about the whole infertility thing and asked me, "you have your own nurse?" I just shrugged it off, "doesn't everybody?" But in all honesty my doctor and nurses know me better (inside and out) than most of friends! And I just have to say how awesome everyone at the fertility center is. They are definitely infertility angels! They're always telling me to keep trying, don't quit, be positive, you can do this...and they've been there to cry with me when things don't go well. It's like we're this weirdly put together family. I think they are just as anxious as me and that they get just as heart broken too (I always feel bad for the person that has to make the 'bad news' call). They are realistic and honest yet, at the same time, hopeful and faithful and compassionate. One of the nurses that I absolutely love is moving at the end of the month, so I told my husband that we have to make it work this time so that we can name our first daughter after her. We'll see! But I just respect these guys so much. I'm sure it's not an easy job but I'm sure glad that they do it. If nothing else, one thing I've gained from this experience so far is the opportunity to be around such amazing people! So, kudos to my doctor and his staff!!

Things NOT to say to someone dealing with infertility

2008-06-12T15:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been dealing with infertility for four years now. After trying on our own for a year, on fertility drugs of all sorts for a year and a half (which really made me wacky and oh-so-fun to be around), I've done 2 IVF cycles and am currently in the middle of my 3rd IVF cycle...thus I'm hormonal, hopeful, scared, tired, optimistic, emotional, and crazy all wrapped into one person. Readers Beware! =) Last month, I had an adoption fall through and then watched the movie Juno and sobbed through it. But I know that my story isn't so different from many of you out there. I've decided that it's time to reach out. As I look out in the sea of pregnant women or new mothers (I'm from Utah, the child-bearing capital of the world), I know that there are others just like me who struggle with this and I was just thinking how nice it will be to have some support and to give some support. When I googled blogs about infertility, guess how many turned up...1,797,883. Wow! Talk about not alone! So I've put links to some of the blogs and hope to share my story here. I also hope I can share things I've learned and maybe some insights or thoughts that might help someone else out. Feel free to share any of your thoughts and insights too!
To end my blog for today, I'll share a list I've had in my head from previous experiences of THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE DEALING WITH INFERTILITY:
1. Don't tell me how easy it was for you to conceive. Things I've heard: "If my husband even blinks at me, I get pregnant..." "We were on birth control when we got pregnant." "I wish it wasn't so easy for me to get pregnant..." Believe me, not comforting!!
2. Don't tell me not to think about it. People always tell me that if I just don't think about it, I'll just wake up pregnant one day. Go on vacation and relax, that's when it will happen...If only it were that easy! First of all, anyone dealing or having dealt with infertility knows how all encompassing it is. I can't not think about it. When I'm at church I'm thinking about it, at work? Still thinking about it. At home? Of course, I'm thinking about it. It's like telling a kid not to think about Santa Claus and his bag of presents on Christmas Eve. I'm already dealing with a lot of impossibles, don't add another!
3. Don't tell me to try taking care of your kids for an hour and then I'll change my mind. Do you think I don't know what I'm getting into? Bring on the poopie diapers, the screaming tantrums, the no sleep, the headaches...it's better than the emptiness without children any day. And after all of the financial stress, physical stress, emotional stress, and mental stress, I think that I've proven by now that I really do want children!
4. Please don't run away from me or avoid me. I don't bite (depending on the drugs that I'm currently on)! =)
5. Don't tell me that I can have children in the next life. Not what I want to hear in THIS life!!
6. Don't tell me any horror stories of babies abandoned or of 13 year olds having babies. I know it happens but try not to think about it since I don't understand that part of God's plan yet.
7. Don't choose that time to announce that you are pregnant. Send me a text or email so as to avoid the awkward, tearful congratulations.
8. Don't tell me to try any weird stuff like psychics, eating lots of beans,waiting for a full moon, or hanging upside down...don't you think I've already tried all that stuff?!
and the magical number 9. Don't tell me to try Ebay, been there done that, got the record, let's leave it at that! =)
Anyway, hope to hear from the rest of you infertile myrtles!! Good luck!